How to Write the Lyrics to a Generic Pop Song

1. Open your dictionary.

This one.

2. Pick a suitable word, nouns work best. The word I chose was liquor. This will form the basis of your chorus. It will also be the title of the song. The last lines of the chorus will be as follows:

It's like [insert word here]
It's like [insert word here]


Repeat as many times as you think is necessary for the word to stick in the listener's head, thus encouraging them to remember the name of the song, and buy it on iTunes or whatever the kiddies are doing these days.


3. Find some cliche expressions and puns to do with your chosen word. This should cover the verses. Make sure to throw in some double entendres for sex appeal.

4. Now it's time to write a bridge. You don't need lyrics for this. The easiest way to do this is just some "Oh, oh yeah"s and various other vocalisations.

5. Ladies: take a tasteful artsy topless photo of yourself for the song's promotional purposes.
   Gentlemen: take a tasteful artsy topless photo of a female for the song's promotional purposes.

6. Record.

7. ???

8. Profit.

For example:

Liquor
Liquor? Please.
I hardly even know her
The room's still spinning
And I dread to think of the hangover


Pour another drink
And let's toast the good times


CHORUS:
Being with you makes me love-drunk
It's like liquor (yeah)
Liquor (yeah)
It's like liquor (yeah)
It's like liquor


I'm sooooooooooo wasted
Take me home
Let's not waste the night
Take photos with our phones


Pour another drink and let's drink to the good times


CHORUS

BRIDGE:
Ooooh, yeah, baby you're like liquor
Oooh yeah, got me so love drunk
Oooh, yeah, baby baby baby
You're like...


CHORUS as many damn times as you want to.

Note: what makes this song really work is the use of many cliches that are commonly used in songs about alcohol. This makes the lyrics a nice, safe, mainstream choice.

I'm actually wearing a strapless top in this, the bottles make me look more nude and therefore classier.

Not Cool, DamnLol

   You know how Facebook pages always post links to pictures on a site called DamnLol? Well, I was procrastinating on writing the next few blog posts I have planned (including a possible Christmas Special) and was browsing the site when I came across this.

http://www.damnlol.com/7-games-that-you-can-play-with-a-brick-12258.html

Completely taken from this Hyperbole and a Half post, with no credit given.

Made me sad.

Bellez's Big List of Weird Shit: Part One

   First of all, I've decided to divide this up into multiple posts otherwise I will never finish it. Seriously.

   Right, this is definitely going to be an ongoing and updated thing as I spend too much time looking up weird shit. This is my comprehensive list of every fucked up thing I can find on the internet. Some of it may be NSFW. Actually, most of it will probably NSFW. Bonus points if you make it through the whole thing. Suggestions welcome.

   The only thing I will thus far refuse to watch is 1 Man 1 Jar. Mostly because I, too, have an anus, and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I only know what it is because I have four brothers, and the one who looks the most like a goat used to describe it to me in excruciating detail.

   Let's begin...

1. Begotten
If anyone can tell me what this movie is about, please let me know. Fortunately the whole thing is right here for you to watch while high until you make sense of it. I haven't got through all of it yet. By the way, in the opening scene there is self disembowelment.

2. My Immortal.
I know, I know, I've mentioned it on here before. However, this "so good its bad" piece of literary genius is so entertaining it's worth a second mention. Basically, its fanfiction that is so bad it puts Twilight to shame. If you want a basic overview of the plot: Hogwarts, clothes clothes clothes, makeup, random spontaneous sex, all the teachers are rapists, everyone is bi, drugs drugs drugs for no reason, preps can die, goffik. Top spelling as well.


3. This video.
As requested by Dom. Hey, it's even got clips from Begotten in it, too!

4. Willy Bum Bum.
David used to sing this to me over the phone when he first started talking to me nearly two years ago. I, in turn, would hang up on him. William and David both forced me to watch this and I must say, it's probably one of the tamer things on this list.

5. Bloody Pingu Throw
Basically a Flash game involving brutally murdering penguins. The further it is thrown across the Antarctic landscape, the more points you obtain. Even Max was horrified by this game, and Max has shown me some horrific things on the internet. I find it strangely addictive.


6. Mr Hands video
I'm not going to post a link because I don't really want to look this up. You can Google it yourself. Basically it involves bestiality (receptive anal intercourse, if you want me to be specific) with a horse. The man died shortly after- for the details, here's a Cracked article. (See #4.)


7. Blue Waffles.
Click on this link here to see a lovely picture of it. Basically it's a very infected vagina. That's gone blue. Lovely. I specifically looked it up for this blog post as I'd never actually seen it before, and I honestly felt a little disappointed. I think I expected it to be far worse than it is.

8. Salad Fingers series
A lovely cartoon series by the utter(ly mad) genius of David Firth. It's quite well-known, but very disturbing. It's an 8 part series (I think a very recently added episode 9 is available on YouTube) which debuted in 2004, about a very lonely creature named Salad Fingers who enjoys the feel of rust and is probably severely mentally unwell.


9. Spoilsbury Toast Boy
More David Firth loveliness. Makes Salad Fingers look tame in comparison. Also, it's backwards running, so to watch it in the order it is designed to be watched, watch this one first, then this one, then this one. The last one gave me nightmares for a week.


10. Smiledog.jpg
   I found this on CreepyPasta (what on earth was I even doing there?) about a photo of a lovely dog who drives people to suicide after having seen it. As with all creepypastas, of course, the only way to save yourself is to forward the picture on to everyone you know. Hence, ya know. It's going on my blog. I didn't find the image itself very scary, though it did remind me a little of the music video of Black Hole Sun, which used to give me nightmares when I was little. Here's a link to what I consider the most disturbing smiledog image.


11. Un Chien Andalou
A surrealist art project from 1928. According to Tyler, who sent me the link: "It was a surrealist art project from the late 20s made to be the most shocking film around. It won." I haven't yet watched the whole thing (it's around fifteen minutes long) but I did watch the infamous scene at the start in which an eyeball is sliced open. Here's the link.

12. You're in that weird part of Reddit again, aren't you?
And by "that weird part" I mean the most known fucked up subreddits, Spacedicks and Beating Women. Sure, there are weirder things on there, but these two are infamous. While we're at it, in r/beatingwomen I discovered r/ChokeABitch. I promise they're just trollin'...

This list is to be continued in part two, with more of a "messed up porn" focus, largely from contributions from Gareth, who is probably the most perverted boy I know. Coming soon!

I would like to thank Tyler West, Carl Domigan and Dominic Ormsby for their contributions to this post. If you have become traumatised after viewing items on this list, feel free to head to http://www.babyanimalz.com/community/ and look at cute baby animals until you feel better. Probably Not Sane takes no responsibility for any mental trauma.

Hope You're Happy

   Man, I've got to stop writing sarcastic, bitchy poetry to get me through the day. At least it's mildly entertaining to read. This poem is dedicated to all the crazy-ass ex-girlfriends in the world. Put the knife down, sweetheart.

Well I'll be honest
I've heard all about you
And he tells me
I'm far more attractive than you

Thing is, you're rubbish in bed
And messed up in the head
And that's why he still will not talk to you

Sad thing is, I used to be like you
So naive, I'd believe
That there was nothing for me to do
The world's a sad place
When the world hates your face
But at least I wear it much better than you do

No hard feelings, I see you've moved on
But I really don't want to get along
Your new boyfriend's a prick
Bet he's got a small dick
And he can't even go at it that long

I promise this isn't even written about anyone specific, I'm too forgetful to be bitter. It just amused me at the time.

Merry Christmas

   Now is probably as good a time as any for a Christmas message from Probably Not Sane.

   Merry Christmas everyone!

You're welcome.

Instagram Quote Rebuttals

   Oh, come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about here.

More sarcastic responses here.

   What with my ability to speak fluent sarcasm and having recently discovered this site for editing photos, I decided to put off my epic blog post about my recent adventures in Auckland (although that's more because somebody managed to lose my camera when he was stupidly drunk and there's no point until I at least have photos) and just get creative instead.

   Unfortunately, due to MS Paint throwing a temper tantrum every time I try to insert text into my pictures, that's all for now folks. Sorry this has been such a non-post. My camera should be here in a few days.

Doris is still a babe, also: Nirvana Party

   The last time I wrote about Doris was here, in which I was reassured about the "youth of today."

   Doris is still a babe.

   So maybe a week or so, I had my last exam, which was Drama, which is probably the wordiest, hardest, most difficult exam there is. Seriously. I've never written so much about Post-War American Realist Theatre in my life. (And that was pretty much the only thing we studied this year.) As per exam rules, we had to leave our bags outside the examination room.

This, naturally, was my bag.

   Apparently some kid saw the Nirvana bag and thought it was the coolest thing ever (it basically is) and took a whole lot of photos of it. Because that's not creepy or stalkerish at all.

   While we're on the subject of creepy...

Not super duper creepy, more just odd

   Which got us talking about Nirvana and that we both really, really love Nirvana, and dammit, let's just have a Nirvana party.

   We did. She turned up in her (homemade) Nirvana shirt with a couple of DVDs and Kurt Cobain's journals. I had a good three albums on my iPod which was my contribution. We literally sat there and flicked through the book, trying to make sense of a lot of it. Heroin's a helluva drug.

   Having a flick through, there are some bits that are awesome (his comic for Mr Moustache, in which an unborn child kicks their sexist, macho father) and some bits that make very little sense and some bits that made us giggle ("punctuation yeah I was stoned alot when learning that stuff") some bits were insightful (for example, where he explains how he first got into heroin) and some bits were magical, watching something I was so familiar with unfold and develop before my very eyes. (As much as Kurt was on the record of saying "Smells Like Teen Spirit" did not deserve as much of the attention and adulation that it did, seeing the constant reworking of the lyrics, the imagery that he was putting into it that just gets mentioned so many times throughout the journals, really showed the amount of thought and care he was capable of putting into his work.)

   I don't want to put any pictures from the book in here as that may be against copyright laws (I'm not sure/Doris has me scared of Courtney Love) but if you're a fan of the music, it's definitely worth having a look at if you ever get the chance.

   Sorry this has ended up being something of a book review. If it makes you feel any better, this isn't a typical book at all (at one point he's scribbled notes for a driving test. Just sayin'.)

AWWW YEAHHH

   So guess what. I'm going to Auckland next month!

   What with living in a small town in the south of the south island and all, this is cause for celebration enough. But guess what else?

   I'm going to go see Dom and William!

Dom is this babe right here, in case you're wondering.

   As exciting as it is to see William and the next winner of New Zealand's Next Top Model (Male Edition), that is not what I'm showing off about here. (Though I totally should.)

   No kiddies. This is what I'm showing off about here.

I've got three of these sexy, sexy tickets.

   Keep in mind that I am entirely entitled to show off here. I've been wanting to see the Foo Fighters since I was twelve years old. I've got childhood dreams to fulfill. And I'm also very, very excited. Also, David's super-duper jealous at the moment. I'll buy him a t shirt or something. If they're not too pricey. Because I'm a financially responsible sister.

   Anyway, there'll probably be another blog post when I come back from Auckland (sooooo 16th December) about all my adventures there. Because dammit, it's always adventures with me.

FUN TIMES.

:DDDDD

In other news, I've finished all my exams and probably just scraped through with university entrance. It's been a long year.

Mr Whippy's Long Awaited Return to Fernhill

   I think it’s been close to fifteen years since I last heard “Greensleeves” (yes, that’s the icecream truck song) echoing through the suburb I grew up in. Well. We’re surrounded by hills. Everything echoes here. Regardless, yesterday the waves of nostalgia and Greensleeves drifted through my window. Holy wow. MR WHIPPY HAD RETURNED TO FERNHILL.

   The street I had grown up on was a small residential street that leads to nowhere, and has nothing but small, family houses. The most exciting things that happened there was a stranger danger incident from when I was quite small (I blame Barney the dinosaur) and Mr Whippy paying us occasional visits. If my mum was in a good mood and had some coins on her, I was allowed to go buy myself an ice-cream. But only the vanilla one with rainbow sprinkles. The other ones were too expensive.

Bane of my childhood.

   It became almost an expectation over the summer- that Mr Whippy would come up my otherwise uneventful street and cold tasty fun would be had. It was a marvellous arrangement. I mean, sure, we had ice cream at home. Heck, we even had rainbow sprinkles at home. (For fairybread purposes, of course.) But it just tasted better from the back of the icecream truck. Which, even I’ll admit in hindsight, sounds dodgy as hell.

   I don’t remember when Mr Whippy stopped coming. But over time, he slowly disappeared.

   In fact, I’d almost forgotten about Mr Whippy until a few weeks ago when I was skyping my friend Dom. Suddenly I heard a familiar sound in the background- Greensleeves! Shortly after, his dad entered with an icecream. Hurrah. He got one with the chocolate top (which I was never allowed) which showed that clearly, his parents love him more. Or have more disposable income than mine did. Close enough.

   I was slightly envious, but I thought that was that, and it was just that he lives in a more populated area than myself, and that Mr Whippy was a regular occurance for him.

   I was sitting in my bedroom, writing a blog post about how I swear I’ll write something decent soon when I heard it.

   Da- da- da- da- dee-dee- da- dee-da…

   Greensleeves!

   Mr Whippy had returned to Fernhill. As if to taunt me, he parked right outside my house. How I had missed him! How delicious ice cream would be at last!

   Alas. I had no money on me.  There was only one solution.

“Muuuuum! Mr Whippy’s back!”

“Yeah, I know…”

“Um, do you have any coinage I can borrow?”

“Coinage, yup. Borrow, nope.”

   And that is why I haven’t had Mr Whippy in fifteen years.

Inspirational Quotes (questionable use of the word "inspirational")

"Girls are like cellphones, they have to be handled carefully. Press the wrong button and you'll be disconnected. Guys are like buses- if you miss one, you can just catch the next one. Guys are like buses. I hope one hits you."
(lovingly inspired by this.)


"Love hurts. I knew I should have bought more lube." 
-Anonymous
(that quote alone is why I chose not to illustrate this post.)


"Sleep is for the weak. Actually, disregard what I just said. That's not really a general thing, it's more for specific cases. Fuck, just go take a nap or something, you'll feel better."
-My brother, after I quoted him last night.


"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."
-Some self-important foreveralone girl. 


I don't think I've ever read a quote that makes my eyes bleed as much as that one. Oh, wait, yes I have!


For your *ahem* enjoyment:


 "I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot."

Source.

Sorry for the Delay in more Enjoyable Content

   I've been rather busy, what with having Sarah staying with me in Queenstown (fun times) and studying for my exams (lol, I'm a liar) and actually doing my exams (one of them, anyway. I've got my Drama one left to do) and being a lazy person (and by lazy, I mean, hey, let's see what's happening on Reddit today! And next thing you know it's 3am and you've done nothing productive.) So that's been stopping me make any quality posts. Sorry.

   I would prefer to make a small number of quality (Christmas in October whores notwithstanding) posts rather than regular updates of rubbish, so I can assure you that I've hopefully got some stellar posts on the way. Maybe even some traumatic childhood memories. Maybe even with some MS Paint pictures. Who knows, I might find the motivation because I care about quality content that much.

Anyway, yeah, cool stuff coming soon. Writing time!

New Hyperbole and a Half!

   I will admit, I haven't been checking Hyperbole and a Half for ages because it's been so long since the last post, and even I can be a bad blogger, and the longer I put off updating, the harder it gets, which is why I ended up with shitty blog posts about whores, tinsel fetishes, and Christmas in October.

   However, I decided to go back for one last nostalgic look at H&H to re-read about Kenny Loggins (a personal favourite post of mine) when, lo and behold:

   THERE IS A NEW POST AT HYPERBOLE AND A HALF!

   And it's rather eloquent. Pictures are excellent, too.

   Anyway, this is rather how I've been feeling for the past couple of months, so it gives me hope that eventually I can get through it and even, maybe, touch a spider.

   Time to draw a spider, I think.

I've named him William and given him a sophisticated top hat. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Christmas in October

   I was in The Warehouse the other day with my mother because she wanted to buy herself a new kettle (“There’s something wrong with the old one, it makes a noise when it boils!”) and I’d been dragged along to assist in the kettle selection process. Eventually, she decided none at The Warehouse were up to her standards, and I found her later outside Smiths City with a shiny new kettle that promised to make “minimal noise” (I’ll be honest, there is a difference, but only slightly) and my mother looking very pleased with her purchase.

   However, minimal-noise kettles is not my point.

   While we were browsing the aisles of The Warehouse, I noticed that, although Halloween hasn’t even occurred yet, (leaving you some time to arrange your slutty costume) Christmas decorations were up already. It isn’t even November yet. Excellent.

   Personally, I believe tinsel should be available for purchase year-round. How else are you going to go to a Halloween party as anything that allows you to indulge in a glitter/sparkle fetish? (Ke$ha notwithstanding.)

The sex symbol of our generation. Also, the glitter on her chest could  be to cover up breast herpes: because breast herpes isn't a phase. It's for life.

   Here are some home decorating ideas using tinsel and Christmas decorations, to prepare you for Christmas in October.

• Keep your ho's at the table 

   First of all, I cringe at the sight of an apostrophe to denote a plural. I know it's wrong. But I can't seem to find anything here that looks right. The OCD in me wants to apologise for that. Anyway.

   Christmas is a time of celebration, and Christmas in October is a little odd, so why not celebrate Christmas in October in an odd way? With prostitutes, that’s how. First consult with the law to see if this is legal in your area because, ya know. Legal safety first. Then, take out a large bank loan, because these will cost money, and I’m ethical enough to believe you should pay them fairly. Next, follow the instructions on the link to create this charming table decoration, and treat all your purchases to a delicious Christmas dinner. In October.

• Organise your Christmas recipes

   If you're going to cook Christmas dinner for all your special guests this October, you want to keep things as easy and stress free as possible. Why not make a recipe card holder? And if you want a unique twist to dessert for your Christmas in October, you could try these recipes.

• Christmas pillow cases

   After treating your “guests” to Christmas dinner in October, you may want to actually get the service you paid for and go to the bedroom. But alas, no Christmas-themed décor there! Never fear, here’s a link to instructions for Christmas pillow cases. Good luck, have fun, and use protection. (It’s an industry standard.)

   I apologise that this post has, yet again, fallen into debauchery and prostitution. It seems to be an unintentional ongoing theme on this blog. But really, if we’re going to talk about Ke$ha, breast herpes, and Christmas-in-October, I can’t really see this going any other direction.

Rugby World Cup 2011

WE WON. FUCK YEAH!

Good job, All Blacks.

That is all.

Mysteries abound at Homeless Hill

   So yesterday I was hanging out with my cousin Merryn and her friend Erin in a place called Homeless Hill, so named because a couple of years ago I knew two freedom campers (technically homeless) that lived there. Anyway, I headed back today to do some exploring and I made some interesting discoveries.

We keep it classy, yo

   The first thing I found was a large area of water, which lead to a larger area of water, which lead to a spring. Turns out the homeless boys/freedom campers had an eagle eye for real estate- running water is a luxury when you’re homeless. I took some photos because I got myself a camera lately, though they certainly don’t do it justice.

Large area of water

Larger area of water

   The most interesting part is that it appears to have been carefully constructed with a wood plank and stones placed just so, and it appears to have been there a while. Top homeless engineering.

    The next thing I discovered was a tarp among the trees. Strung up and everything. Cautiously, I looked around, but there was no sign of anyone around. I took a couple of sneaky pictures of the tarp and went to explore further up the hill.

   When I came back, the tarp was gone (I still hadn’t seen or heard anyone, and I was only off for a minute or so) and when I went to compare it to the photos on my camera, all the tarp pictures I’d taken were mysteriously missing, except for one, that had ended up all distorted.

There might be the tarp in this. Maybe. 

   I ran the fuck out of there.

   I returned later today with Erin (she does fencing- with David, so I thought if we got attacked, she’d probably be an advantage in a stick war with a hobo with an advanced ability in engineering) to take some more photos where the tarp was to see if it would work. It did. Odd.

   Anyway, what on earth happened today? The tarp coming down was one thing. But those photos? Fucking weird. I’m not going back there by myself.

   Also, I saw ex-boyfriend today for the first time since he got back from Canada, so I might get him to escort me there next time. With a knife from his shop, so I feel safe. All in the name of “investigative journalism.”

   Also yeah. I’m totally aware that I ended up ruining some homeless person’s day. That was not the intention of this. I’m just curious to find out what’s going on now after that incident with the photos. That’s freaking unnerving.

  

Horoscopes

   Presented in a (probably) scrambled order, because I’m not a “professional” fortune teller, and I don’t know the order of the signs of the zodiac.

Virgo

   According to my sources, if you are a Virgo, you are supremely organised. If you are anything like me, (also a Virgo) this means everything is in lists, charts, and tables, all agonisingly colour-coordinated, and you have two engagement diaries, one for school and one for everything else. You are probably suffering from OCD and ought to see a doctor.

Aquarius

   Sometime over the next month or so, you may drown. Alternatively, you may just drink a glass of water- the heavens generally aren’t too specific in their influence.

Cancer

   Yeah. That’s definitely cancer you have. Or crabs. Bad news either way, really. But it’s definitely something nasty.

Libra

   You know why the symbol for Libra is the scales? BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT. I blame all the chocolate covered bacon. It is freaking delicious.

Capricorn

   Did you know goats have rectangular pupils? I was freaked out when I first discovered this.

Scorpio

   [insert vague, but yet oddly specific prediction here, because no one cares about Scorpio. Except the guy I saw the other day. He had a tattoo of a scorpion all up his arm and it looked amazing. Otherwise, no one cares.]

Gemini

   True love awaits you at the homeless shelter. Mmmm… soup! Seriously though, they are tall, dark, scruffy, and your soul mate. Best of luck. Remember to have some spare change handy.

Aries

   Venus is in the twelfth house which means… Jesus, I’m fucked if I know what that means. I’m a blogger, not a fortune teller. Go get yourself some Pringles and quit worrying about the future, you’ll probably be fine.

Taurus

   You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you’ll have lettuce between your teeth at the time. The other bad news is that he/she (women can be handsome too, y’know) will quite clearly see this. The other good news is that they won’t give a damn anyway, because you’ve got either a stellar personality, a great sense of humour- or more realistically, a nice rack and/or an impressive bank balance.

Leo

   The only Leo I know of is my older brother, so I better write something nice. Ok, here goes. You will have a fantastic week ahead of you. You will score fuckloads of free meals because dammit, we all know the way to your heart is through your stomach. Sleep will no longer evade you and you will wake every morning feeling refreshed. The weather will be surprisingly pleasant (mostly because you no longer live in Dunedin) and you’ll meet some babes. Work will be satisfying and enjoyable. Now, because I am a realist: pick just two of these outcomes.

Sagittarius

   You know what? Absolutely nothing of interest will happen in the next month or so. This can be a good thing depending on how you look at it. For example:

Bad things about nothing interesting happening this month:

·         You won’t be meeting the love of your life

·         You won’t win the lottery

·         You’ll be bored

Good things about nothing interesting happening this month:

·         You won’t get attacked by a horde of angry pensioners (because that would be interesting, though unpleasant)

·         You will not almost die of food poisoning after eating a dodgy grape

·         By the end of the month you will probably feel more grateful for the things in your life.

   Moral of the story: be Optimist Prime, not a Negatron.

Pisces

    Ah, Pisces. The star sign often regarded as being sensitive and thoughtful. You will read the wrong horoscope and feel optimistic because you thought you, too, would score some free meals until you realise you were reading about Leo. You will then feel a little disappointed, but then realise that the horoscope for Pisces does not say that you won’t score free meals, so the possibility remains. It’s stuff like that that makes your day sometimes.

Bellez Becomes an Agony Aunt

   So earlier this year, when I was writing for The Leaky Biro, our sort-of self-appointed editor wanted some more unusual humour. I suggested we start an advice column, in which I give the worst advice ever. He asked me to mock up some questions and answers, to see what I was capable of. Upon reading them, the idea was rejected outright.*

Ask Aunt “I’ll Agonise You!” Annabel

Dear Annabel

   There’s this boy at my school in the year above me who’s, like, amazing. I’d really like to ask him out, but last time I had the balls to ask someone else out, it turned out he had a girlfriend. It was really embarrassing. How can I find out if this guy has a girlfriend to save me any embarrassment in the future?

-Red Faced

Dear Red-Faced

   The answer is to, quite simply, stalk him. Follow him around everywhere. Around school. To the toilet. Freaking everywhere. If you catch him even looking at a girl, you know he’s taken. Avoid embarrassment in this way. Facebook stalking is a good idea too, though it tends to work better if he has an open profile.

-Annabel

Dear Annabel

   I took all your advice. Seriously. I stalked him to death, and not once did he look like he was into any other girls, so I took the plunge and asked him out. Turned out he batted for the other team. Yeah. He’s gay. Thanks a bunch.

-Red Faced

Dear Red Faced

   All the cute ones are.

-Annabel

Dear Annabel

   Ok, straight to the point, there’s this chick I know through Facebook, and she keeps texting me. Heaps. I know I shouldn’t have put my mobile number on my profile, but never mind that now. Why does she keep texting me? I’m not gay or anything, I do like female attention. But it’s so annoying! What does she want from me?

-Mr Popular

Dear Mr Popular

   She probably wants to have your babies. That or she’s trying to steal your wallet. Alternatively she could be using you to get to your friend, or older brother, even, that she likes. Who knows? Teenage girls can be a fickle bunch. If you want to get rid of her, try this: pretend that you’ve sold your phone to your uncle. Yes, the creepy one. If she texts you again, reply to her (in normal grammatical English, not txt language, so she doesn’t suspect it’s a teenage boy again) that you have recently purchased this phone from your nephew and that you are fifty-three years old. And bald. And fat. With a beard. That should stop any unwanted attention. If that appeals to her, your problem is far too big for me to solve- you’re on your own there mate.

-Annabel

Dear Annabel

   I’ve been in a relationship with this guy now for all of three months. Except there’s one problem. I don’t really like him anymore! I’ve never broken up with a guy before! How do I do it?

-Breakup Virgin

Dear Breakup Virgin

   There are many, many ways to break up with a guy. It all depends on context. For example, if he was just a plain old douchebag, no technique is more efficient in making the point quite like a good shovel to the face. If violence is not your thing, however, why not try getting with two of his best friends? In front of him? That tends to get the message across. Hopefully he won’t try to join in. If he does- run. It’s even more proof that he’s not the type you want to be with. Good luck!

-Annabel

*and by rejected outright, I mean everyone else supported the idea but him. It’s cool. That’s why my blog gets this special treat, and not the Biro.

How to be Sexy for Halloween

   This blog post is brought to you by The Concise Oxford Dictionary, 1983 edition. (Which is the one sitting next to my adoptive father’s chair, by the way, as my parents are avid crossword solvers, and my mum still hasn’t figured out you can Google things like I would.) No, Oxford did not pay for me to write this. (It would be nice if they had.) This post was merely inspired by them. And the dictionary.

Captivating bedtime reading, folks.

   More on that later, though.

   Now, although it was barely September when I started writing this (procrastinators gonna procrastinate) you probably know that if you want to have the best Halloween costume ever, you should have already started planning well in advance. If you were so dedicated, however, that you already knew that by now, you wouldn’t be coming to me for help, so you may as well get back to planning your slutty vampire outfit or whatever, while I cover the basics of Halloween costumes.

   Kiddies, I’m not talking about trick-or-treat costumes here. I’m talking about costumes for parties that are a little age-inappropriate for you. If you’re still young enough to trick-or-treat, it doesn’t really matter how cool you look. In fact, the more pathetic looking your costume is, the more adults will feel sorry for you and give you extra candy. So go on, chuck a sheet over your head and pretend to be a ghost. Parents will lap that shit up.

Eyeholes are an unnecessary luxury.  You won't get extra candy with them.

   I’d also like to point out that this advice is more relevant to women. Guys, it probably doesn’t matter what you dress up as, as long as you don’t vomit on the shoes of the girl dressed as the sexy policewoman, you should be fine.

   Ladies, I’m sure you’ve all heard the fashion rule that states that there’s nothing sexier than showing off just one body part at a time- just the legs OR the chest OR the back. However, this is Halloween. Ignore this rule completely. Show off a bit of leg, get your tits out and bare your midriff. Just make sure you expose as much skin as possible. Also, wear knee-high socks. Every slutty Halloween costume incorporates these somehow.

   Everyone also knows it’s a fashion faux pas to turn up to a party in the exact same outfit as someone else. If you don’t make an effort to look unique, you’re just going to turn up in the same dirty nurse costume as twelve other girls and we can’t have that, can we? In order to inspire us with some truly unique ideas, I have consulted the dictionary (also I may have just looked around the room) for some suggestions. Here is what I’ve come up with:

The Sexy Road Cone

Mmmm... traffic.

  This is a unique choice for a Halloween costume, not because road cones aren’t sexy (they are) but because orange is one of those colours that is difficult for a lot of people to wear. Especially redheads like myself. It clashes with my hair. Regardless, this is one worth trying. You can even make it a tribute to Madonna’s iconic cone bra.

Sexy rating: 6/10

Unique rating: 6.5/10

The Playboy Bunny

You don't want to know how long I spent shading her inner thighs when drawing this.

   I decided to include this one because there is always someone every year who turns up in a playboy costume. And also because I happen to have a picture of Hannah in a costume that I’d drawn- by request, thank you very much. It’s not very original, but as it’s a near-universal symbol of debauchery, that should matter too much.

Sexy rating: 8.5/10

Unique rating: 2/10

Sexy “Sexy Costume”

So I may have just Googled "Nude model" and been brave enough to turn Safe Search off to find this girl, then covered her up in MS Paint. Damn I'm a smart cookie.

   Turn up in a bikini and stilettos. If anyone asks what you’re trying to be, tell them “sexy.” May as well just cut to the chase.

Sexy rating: 9/10

Unique rating: 8.5/10- let's be honest, no one's thought of this very often.

...and one for the boys...

Sexy Werewolf

Jacob had little say in this, I imagine.

  

   Hannah’s actually planning to make her boyfriend wear this costume. (The picture is by her.) Personally, I don’t know how long that costume’s going to stay on him though. Half a minute is my guess. Men, if you have the body to go shirtless, this is how you do sexy for Halloween. With half the female population going mental over werewolves and vampires after Twishite, you’ll probably impress someone in this. Unless you have a beer gut. And you puked all over their shoes.

When People I Barely Know Completely Restore My Faith In Humanity

   So lately I’ve seen a lot of statuses on Facebook that… irk me somewhat. Maybe because I’m an opinionated person. But whatever. Let’s have a look at some of the culprits, shall we?

   It gets better. Here’s a status posted by a friend of mine. I’m not going to print screen it because it’s hugely long, but I’ll cut and paste. Good luck if you manage to read all of it. I’ll be honest. I only got halfway.

“Hi, Mommy.... I' m your baby. You don't know me yet, I'm only a few weeks old. You're going to find out about me soon, though, I promise. ... Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I've got beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don't have it yet, but I will when I'm born. I'm going to be your only child, and you'll call me your one and only. I'm going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we have each other. We' ll help each other, and love each other. I want to be a doctor when I grow up. You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn't wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I know it already. Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about me! ...He wasn't happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don't think that you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don't think I understand yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward , and your hands flying up to protect me . I was okay... but I was very sad for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That's a sound I don't like. It doesn't make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after, and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I'm not sure if I do. It wasn't right. You say he loves you... why would he hurt you? I don't like it, Mommy. Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and you're so proud of me ! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes, and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I' m happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart. I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love you, Mommy. Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting funny and he wasn't talking right. He said he didn't want you. I don't know why, but that's what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry, Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won't let you get hurt! I promise to protect you. Daddy is bad. I don't care if ... you think that he is a good person, I think he's bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn't want us. He doesn't like me. Why doesn't he like me, Mommy? You didn't talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay? It's been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven't talked to me or touched me or anything since that. Don't you still love me, Mommy? I still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug me with your arms , and I feel safe and warm again. Why don't you do that when you're awake, any more? I'm 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren' t you proud of me ? We're going somewhere today, and it' s somewhere new. I' m excited. It looks like a hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell you that? I hope you're as excited as I am. I can't wait. ...Mommy, I'm getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don't know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think something's going to happen soon. I'm really, really, really scared, Mommy. Please tell me you love me . Then I will feel safe again. I love you! Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop! Don't worry Mommy, I' m safe. I'm in heaven with the angels now. They told me what you did , and they said it's called an abortion. Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don' t you love me any more? Why did you get rid of me? I' m really, really, really sorry if I did something wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why don't you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care about me, and not talk to me. Didn't I love you enough? Please say you'll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don't want to be here, I want you to love me again! I' m really really really sorry if I did something wrong. I love you! I love you, Mommy. Every abortion is just… One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak. repost If you’ re against abortion. “

   Yeah. That was hard to read. Anyway, I know some people are opposed to abortion, and that’s a whole other can of worms I don’t want to open right now. So let’s deal with the first status first.

   First of all, it’s very rare that a rape is a stereotypical “opportunist stranger” case like the one in this story. In most instances of sexual assault, the rapist is generally someone known to the victim- a relative, neighbour, family friend, partner etc. Keep in mind that spousal rape has only become recognised relatively recently. So chances are, Diane would have been more likely to have been raped at her friend’s house than walking though a dark alleyway.

   There is also the religious factor.  Again, a whole other can of worms. But the implications of this are actually rather nasty- the second girl that was attacked did not pray, and we can assume that she was not a religious person. The message here is not “God will protect you” but “God will protect you but only if you follow him.”

   Rape is a horrific thing that no one deserves to go through, regardless of their spiritual beliefs.

   This is, of course, a fictional story, written to illustrate a moral, but I’m not liking the moral that I’m getting from it. The legend is also discussed here, at snopes.com.

   Which brings me to a more positive point: Facebook statuses that restore my faith in humanity. Enter Doris, a girl at my school. Although I’ve had little to do with her, we have some mutual friends, and this came up on my Facebook newsfeed.

   Doris Holzel, you made my day. Thank you.

Mid-Year Resolutions

   Ok, so it’s almost September, but it’s never too late to make mid-year resolutions, which are kind of like New Year resolutions, but considerably more realistic.

For example:

·         New Year resolution: Eat healthier to lose more weight

·         Mid-Year resolution: Stop hanging out with my gorgeous fun friends who also turn up at my house with a 10 pack of donuts, a three litre bottle of coke, duck noodles, and a packet of Doritos because they were on special at Alpine Supermarket. Except for when seeing said friend means dancing really badly/highly inappropriately because at least that’s exercise. And that wasn’t a very fair statement, considering I’m the one who asks Hannah to turn up with all the food, so I owe her HEAPS, but if it balances it out, health wise, I’m the one who encourages her to dance, so it may just be ok, as long as I buy her fuckloads of food next time.

   Now that I’m salivating at the thought of duck noodles (don’t judge man, they’re amazing. And so affordable, 49c a packet!) I shall try to distract myself with my list of mid-year resolutions, which I can’t guarantee I’ll stick to.

·         New Year’s resolution: Get to know my birthfamily more

·         Mid-year resolution: Stop bullying David (and occasionally probably getting on William’s nerves)

   I’ve actually been doing pretty well with this New Year’s resolution, considering I managed to get back in contact with my brother who I hadn’t seen in forever, plus David came to stay a few weeks ago, and you know he had the time of his life.

It snowed.

This is us Skyping his girlfriend. If you look closely, you can see him using a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs as glasses. How he got a girlfriend, I don't know.

    But seriously, there’s now a page on Facebook, thanks to me and David’s girlfriend, called Tagging David Solin in Everything because he’s so rarely on that we like to bully him so that when he does go on, he’s got fifty notifications or so. Funnily enough he liked the page.

   I also give him shit about looking like a goat. This isn’t even mean, really. I mean, look at him.

He's even got the freaky rectangular pupils like goats have.

   But David’s actually a really awesome brother and I feel really bad that I’m mean to him so often when he’s always really nice to me and idolises me for reasons I don’t quite understand (No David, that’s sweet, but I’m really not cool at all) and freaking got me the Owl City album for my 18th birthday. (To be fair, that was September last year, and he only got it to me in April this year, but you got to give the kid some credit for trying.)

I fucking love my brother. And Owl City.

   Plus when Simon broke up with me immediately after the formal (who does that?) and I turned up at William’s doorstep with all my bags, bawling my eyes out because I was still upset, he made me pasta (he understands that pasta cures everything! Just kidding, it was the only food he had at the time I think. Which kind of makes it an even nicer thing that he did that for me. Even though I couldn’t eat it all and insisted he have at least half of mine. He didn’t need telling twice) handed me a beer, watched shitty movies with me and let me bitch about Simon for hours until I felt better. Then when I went to catch the bus home and missed it by five minutes, he let me stay at his that night, even though when he went out to work, I found a bottle of red wine in his room and shared it with my cousin who’d come to see me, and all he could do in the morning was laugh at me for managing to find alcohol he’d completely forgotten about. (God knows what it was doing there. William doesn’t even drink red wine.)

   And despite me being probably annoying and stealing his awesome ring, or at least the only one that fitted me (I wear it on my index finger, and it’s still kinda loose. It barely squeezed onto his pinky) he still talks to me. Who does this? The other coolest brother in the world, that’s who. Which is why I ought to be a bit better to him too. To be fair, I wrote him a pretty awesome birthday letter, though as he’s moved and I don’t actually know his address, I haven’t sent it yet, and he turned twenty four weeks ago. On the other hand, it has rainbows and stuff, so you know he’ll be stoked when he eventually gets it.

It may contain narwhals, too.

I told you it was awesome.

·         New Year’s resolution: Blog more

·         Mid-Year resolution: Blog at all

Yeah.  Sorry. I’ve been shit this year. I think I’ve developed a social life or something, plus there’s been school etc. The only reason I’m taking the time to make this a decent blog post is because I have a free Sunday in which to do this, and I felt bad that I hadn’t blogged in ages. Here, have this pretty apology picture to make up for it:

You're welcome.

·         New Year’s resolution: Get a boyfriend

·         Mid-Year resolution: Remain single

   Did I mention Simon broke up with me immediately after the formal? He even gave me a rose beforehand (William reckons his mum put him up to that) which I still have, mostly because it’s dead, and clearly so is our relationship. At least he never tried to convince me that “alot” was an actual word.

And this, folks, is why you never have a relationship tree, either. You will forget about it, and it will die, and it will be a really bad look and an incident you don’t feel comfortable discussing with your significant other. Which is worrying considering how important communication is in a relationship.

   Well that was an epic caption. You’re welcome. I’m going to have my third coffee today and listen to Nirvana. Fuck yeah.