My adoption buddy and fellow mural painter (she's the "healthily obssessed with Michael Jackson" one) has decided to do the right thing and follow my blog because, let's face it, she's obviously a bit of a smart cookie there. As such, I would like to point out that she is freaking amazing and deserves some kind of MS Paint picture or something, which I will get onto asap.
I'm actually starting to get the hang of this using Paint on a laptop thing, mostly out of necessity. You see, I've written a very exciting article for an upcoming issue of The Leaky Biro and, without giving too much away, it may be entitled The Cynic's Guide to Horoscopes and of course it required a picture for each of the twelve signs of the zodiac. Thus it has given me a lot of practice so you can expect to see more pretty pictures in future blog posts. Yay!
Anyway Rachel, for making such a wonderful decision, I would like to tell you and the rest of my readers that you are rather sweetbix and I love you in a matey way, not a mating way. Pretty pictures coming soon!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
What Do Wasps Contribute to Society? (Nothing)
When I was eleven, my mother used to give me little fruit jellies to take to school in my lunchbox. My favourite was raspberry and pear, mostly because red was my favourite colour and pears were my favourite fruit. Raspberries have never been a favourite of mine however. There is a raspberry bush just outside my rapisty bedroom window and sometimes when boyfriend comes to see me, he’s far more interested in leaning out the window and picking berries than he is in me. Anyway, I’m rambling again.
When I was eleven, I used to sit outside the primary school library because it was in the sun, and after I’d eaten I could easily dash inside and pretend to be engrossed in a book because I had no friends. The unfortunate aspect of the library, however, was that it was where the wasps also liked to hang out. Gah.
Raspberry and pear jelly, libraries, wasps, and me. You can already see where this is going, can’t you?
I was stung on the face. Twice. Thus began my utter phobia of wasps.
In Year 11 (when I was around 15 or 16, for our international readers) my maths class was the place where all the wasps wanted to be in the summer months. The teacher very kindly sat me by the window, which, unbeknownst to her, did not help the matter at all. Anyway, the bloody things insisted on flying around my head. And yeah. Yeah I screamed. Loudly. And everyone laughed at me and made buzzing noises for the next two weeks. Yeah. Thanks guys.
Just yesterday, when trying to put a plastic bag in an “alfresco waste receptacle” (rubbish bin) a bloody wasp came out and chased me for a solid five minutes. This incident, naturally, got me wondering.
Well, I’d like to start off by saying I take biology at school. Actually, I do so by correspondence now, because it clashed with Drama, and I didn’t want to drop either subject. But, due to my biology background (ha!) I figured I could provide a decent investigation.
My Second (Non) Scientific Investigation: Are Wasps Useful?
No. No they are not. That is all.
No, that was not scientific, but damnit, do we really need science to tell us those bastards are evil and after our soul?
When I was eleven, I used to sit outside the primary school library because it was in the sun, and after I’d eaten I could easily dash inside and pretend to be engrossed in a book because I had no friends. The unfortunate aspect of the library, however, was that it was where the wasps also liked to hang out. Gah.
Raspberry and pear jelly, libraries, wasps, and me. You can already see where this is going, can’t you?
I was stung on the face. Twice. Thus began my utter phobia of wasps.
In Year 11 (when I was around 15 or 16, for our international readers) my maths class was the place where all the wasps wanted to be in the summer months. The teacher very kindly sat me by the window, which, unbeknownst to her, did not help the matter at all. Anyway, the bloody things insisted on flying around my head. And yeah. Yeah I screamed. Loudly. And everyone laughed at me and made buzzing noises for the next two weeks. Yeah. Thanks guys.
Just yesterday, when trying to put a plastic bag in an “alfresco waste receptacle” (rubbish bin) a bloody wasp came out and chased me for a solid five minutes. This incident, naturally, got me wondering.
Well, I’d like to start off by saying I take biology at school. Actually, I do so by correspondence now, because it clashed with Drama, and I didn’t want to drop either subject. But, due to my biology background (ha!) I figured I could provide a decent investigation.
My Second (Non) Scientific Investigation: Are Wasps Useful?
No. No they are not. That is all.
No, that was not scientific, but damnit, do we really need science to tell us those bastards are evil and after our soul?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Advice For Men: Valentines Day Gift Guide
(How to exchange cash for loving, without mucking about on street corners)
What Not To Get Her
• A Hallmark card. Because it’s lazy. You don’t have to be artistic to make her a card. If boyfriend gave me a card he made with a crudely drawn stick figure and a heart, I’d be impressed. Mostly at him noticing my undying love for Pak ‘n’ Save man.
• Condoms. For an acquaintance. No matter how optimistic you are. If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, don’t even think you’re going to get any action from the other lonely single people out there. They’re too busy drowning themselves in cheap wine to care about you showering them in affections. (And protection. Still, better safe than sorry!)
• Flowers that you stole from the neighbours garden, you cheapskate.
• Those tacky “this coupon entitles the bearer to one free kiss” type things. BAN THESE PLEASE. Besides, I own a vivid. So if I don’t like you, I will edit it until it says “this coupon entitles the bearer to one free smack in the face with a phonebook” and then I will regift it to you, with the smack provided.
• Dead kittens. This almost speaks for itself. But a couple of years ago I was in a long distance relationship, and my boyfriend at the time got me a kitten for Valentine’s Day, mostly because it was free. (His neighbour’s cat had just had kittens.) Aside from being a cheap present, this was also a really poorly thought out idea. Mostly because the kitten died of cat flu before he ever got to Queenstown to give it to me, and I never let him forget the incident. We didn’t make it to the next Valentines Day. I wonder why.
Further Bad Ideas
• Nothing at all
• Oral sex when she doesn’t know your name. PEPPER SPRAY TIME!
• Chocolates, while you tell her you love how fat her thighs are getting. On second thoughts, perhaps just chocolates and an “I love you” will suffice, unless you want your present from her to be a phonebook to the face. (See above.)
• You could tell her she’s almost as pretty as I am. She ought to be flattered by this.
• A pair of pink, fur lined handcuffs.
• Or, better yet, knee pads! (Boyfriend recently purchased some because he had utterly destroyed his knee on a rock. He suggested they could be my Valentines present. I was unimpressed.)
What You Should Get Her
• Something
• A bottle of tequila. Why? It turns everyone into a nymphomaniac. So win for you!
• Roses. Red ones. If she doesn’t like clichés, get her a dead kitten.
• Take her on a date somewhere, how hard is tha- NOT THE FISH AND CHIP SHOP. SOMEWHERE NICE.
• Last Valentine’s Day, I hung out with two backpackers from England. They had a campfire, and I provided the marshmallows. If you’re going to do this, call your local council to see if you can get a fire permit. (It turns out they didn’t, and could have got in a lot of trouble, especially if they’d lost control of the fire.) Oh, also. Try not to set your date on fire. It tends to end badly when that happens.
• Been together a year or more? Why not get her some jewellery? But if you went and bought it from The $2 Shop, whatever you do, don’t let her find out, or she will never let you forget it. Its practically asking her to smack you in the face with an aforementioned phonebook- and no one wants violence on Valentines Day.
Notable Mentions
• Washing, deodorant, clean clothes. Really. Try not to use excessive hair product either. Just imagine her running her finger through your hair- and them coming out all stuck together from the excess product you used. It’s not very romantic.
• Valentine’s Day is February 14th, just so you remember.
• I have a boyfriend, but I will totally accept any gifts you wish to give me.
• For those who say its an over-commercialised holiday that you will not be celebrating this year… let me know when you finally get laid.
What Not To Get Her
• A Hallmark card. Because it’s lazy. You don’t have to be artistic to make her a card. If boyfriend gave me a card he made with a crudely drawn stick figure and a heart, I’d be impressed. Mostly at him noticing my undying love for Pak ‘n’ Save man.
• Condoms. For an acquaintance. No matter how optimistic you are. If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, don’t even think you’re going to get any action from the other lonely single people out there. They’re too busy drowning themselves in cheap wine to care about you showering them in affections. (And protection. Still, better safe than sorry!)
• Flowers that you stole from the neighbours garden, you cheapskate.
• Those tacky “this coupon entitles the bearer to one free kiss” type things. BAN THESE PLEASE. Besides, I own a vivid. So if I don’t like you, I will edit it until it says “this coupon entitles the bearer to one free smack in the face with a phonebook” and then I will regift it to you, with the smack provided.
• Dead kittens. This almost speaks for itself. But a couple of years ago I was in a long distance relationship, and my boyfriend at the time got me a kitten for Valentine’s Day, mostly because it was free. (His neighbour’s cat had just had kittens.) Aside from being a cheap present, this was also a really poorly thought out idea. Mostly because the kitten died of cat flu before he ever got to Queenstown to give it to me, and I never let him forget the incident. We didn’t make it to the next Valentines Day. I wonder why.
Further Bad Ideas
• Nothing at all
• Oral sex when she doesn’t know your name. PEPPER SPRAY TIME!
• Chocolates, while you tell her you love how fat her thighs are getting. On second thoughts, perhaps just chocolates and an “I love you” will suffice, unless you want your present from her to be a phonebook to the face. (See above.)
• You could tell her she’s almost as pretty as I am. She ought to be flattered by this.
• A pair of pink, fur lined handcuffs.
• Or, better yet, knee pads! (Boyfriend recently purchased some because he had utterly destroyed his knee on a rock. He suggested they could be my Valentines present. I was unimpressed.)
What You Should Get Her
• Something
• A bottle of tequila. Why? It turns everyone into a nymphomaniac. So win for you!
• Roses. Red ones. If she doesn’t like clichés, get her a dead kitten.
• Take her on a date somewhere, how hard is tha- NOT THE FISH AND CHIP SHOP. SOMEWHERE NICE.
• Last Valentine’s Day, I hung out with two backpackers from England. They had a campfire, and I provided the marshmallows. If you’re going to do this, call your local council to see if you can get a fire permit. (It turns out they didn’t, and could have got in a lot of trouble, especially if they’d lost control of the fire.) Oh, also. Try not to set your date on fire. It tends to end badly when that happens.
• Been together a year or more? Why not get her some jewellery? But if you went and bought it from The $2 Shop, whatever you do, don’t let her find out, or she will never let you forget it. Its practically asking her to smack you in the face with an aforementioned phonebook- and no one wants violence on Valentines Day.
Notable Mentions
• Washing, deodorant, clean clothes. Really. Try not to use excessive hair product either. Just imagine her running her finger through your hair- and them coming out all stuck together from the excess product you used. It’s not very romantic.
• Valentine’s Day is February 14th, just so you remember.
• I have a boyfriend, but I will totally accept any gifts you wish to give me.
• For those who say its an over-commercialised holiday that you will not be celebrating this year… let me know when you finally get laid.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Dear MS Paint: WHY?
Yesterday, Liz and I went shopping for school things. Like a laptop, ipod, and $180 worth of lingerie. Look, I hadn't had a new bra for over a year, and I was starting to get National Geographic boobs.
Anyway, "school shopping" necessitated the purchase of a laptop. Finally, and thank god. No more relying on someone else's computer for blogging.
Yeah, so MS Paint on a laptop. First of all, with the current lack of mouse, it's rather difficult to use. I mean, I've tried. But it's frustrating. And then there's the fact that it's a new version of Paint, and EVERYTHING'S CHANGED. I mean the same stuff is pretty much there, but there's new stuff, and its all in a format that I find highly unnatural. I just don't like it. Bring the old MS Paint back. Please.
As such there are no pretty pictures in this post. I still need to get used to it.
In vaguely related news, one of the lovely commenters directed me to Paint Avant-Garde, a place where you can share your MS Paint creations. It is amazing. I recommend you check it out.
Anyway, "school shopping" necessitated the purchase of a laptop. Finally, and thank god. No more relying on someone else's computer for blogging.
Yeah, so MS Paint on a laptop. First of all, with the current lack of mouse, it's rather difficult to use. I mean, I've tried. But it's frustrating. And then there's the fact that it's a new version of Paint, and EVERYTHING'S CHANGED. I mean the same stuff is pretty much there, but there's new stuff, and its all in a format that I find highly unnatural. I just don't like it. Bring the old MS Paint back. Please.
As such there are no pretty pictures in this post. I still need to get used to it.
In vaguely related news, one of the lovely commenters directed me to Paint Avant-Garde, a place where you can share your MS Paint creations. It is amazing. I recommend you check it out.
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