So I thought it would be rather timely that I wrote some advice on how best to cope with the situation of being dumped. Because as you can clearly see from these photographs, I dealt with the situation like a mature, responsible adult.
 |
| So Janelle and I took some interesting pictures with a frog statue in a playground. That's how adults deal with things, right? |
So you should know that I am definitely the person to go to for all your relationship advice, as further evidenced here and here.
So what you want to know is: what are the best ways for you to deal with the fact that you're single, unattractive and unlovable, and destined to die alone? Well, look no further.
Some people may advise that you sing Adele terribly to your fifteen cats in order to get over your inability to form meaningful relationships and make them last. I would be inclined to disagree, mostly because I do not like cats (shock horror, a person on the internet that doesn't like cats!) nor am I a fan of Adele. Others may suggest drinking yourself to death in order to forget your problems, but both my liver, and concerned readers would be appalled that I would offer such disgusting and irresponsible advice. So please, disregard these ideas. There are better ways to cope.
1. Write terrible poetry
This also allows you to explore your creative side. While not strictly about a breakup of my own, I dealt with my problems by writing this beautiful piece dedicated to somebody's ex girlfriend. It wasn't my proudest moment.
Well I'll be honest
I've heard all about you
And he tells me
I'm far more attractive than you
Thing is, you're rubbish in bed
And messed up in the head
And that's why he still will not talk to you
Sad thing is, I used to be like you
So naive, I'd believe
That there was nothing for me to do
The world's a sad place
When the world hates your face
But at least I wear it much better than you do
No hard feelings, I see you've moved on
But I really don't want to get along
Your new boyfriend's a prick
Bet he's got a small dick
And he can't even go at it that long
I told you I write quality poetry. That, however, is not an example of it.
2. Junk food diet
Why? Because it's a complete stereotype of how women are supposed to cope with breakups, by drowning themselves in tubs of ice cream. (Chocolate is my preferred flavour.) However yet again, I encourage you to embrace creativity. Don't just stuff yourself with chocolate icecream. Incorporate every fat and calorie laden food into it. Personally, I think the combination of chocolate, ice cream, bacon, pastry, whipped cream and whiskey belong together in order to stave off the loneliness.
Bonus tip: You don't even need to get fat(ter)! Exercise is a well known way to boost your mood. So pass me another bowl of chocolately goodness.
3. Shop for stupid, unnecessary shit
Again, this is another stereotype of something people like to do to fill the empty void in their lives. Which is fantastic, because in this economic climate, somebody has to be spending, or we're all screwed. That can be your excuse after you've purchased this:
 |
| Hey, it could be useful for when you insist on singing Adele terribly to get over your miserable life. |
4. Build a bridge and get over it.
NO.
This is a stupid piece of advice, and to the next person who suggests it, I hope you walk into a swarm of angry bees. Yes, life goes on, and eventually you get over these things. In your own time. I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to just be over it and happy in a matter of minutes.
In saying that though, I did have a lovely time in Auckland now I was newly single.
 |
| I may be single and unloved, but when your brother's a bartender, life's still pretty sweet. |
