In the middle of
nowhere, somewhere in the ocean, is a small nation consisting of
several islands, called New Zealand (or Aotearoa if you would like to
be politically correct) which has an abundance of sheep, super slow
internet, and now L&P flavoured white chocolate, which kinda
tastes like you left the orange in your lunchbox next to your white
chocolate bar and now they taste a little like each other but not in
a good way, plus it has popping candy in it because the L&P
drink, for all my foreign readers, is carbonated.
What has this got to
do with anything? Well, living in a small island nation in the middle
of nowhere (slightly south of Australia, in fact) we don't have
anything. At all. It all has to come from here (hence L&P and
sheep) or be imported, which makes everything really really
expensive. If you're lucky. If companies even want to export to a
tiny island nation in the middle of nowhere. I'm looking at you,
Hostess. When twinkies went extinct, we didn't even know about them.
This also makes it a
huge novelty when something the rest of the world takes for granted,
(say, Doritos, actually fast broadband, and of course, Poptarts)
becomes finally available here.
And yes kiwis,
Poptarts are now available in New Zealand.
Poptarts are a
breakfast food, apparently. So's anything you eat in the morning
though, be it cereal, pancakes, or sheep's eyeballs. But I digress. I
knew Poptarts were sugary and unhealthy. But upon actually trying
one, I have come to one conclusion: Poptarts are the closest that New
Zealanders can get to finally having candy for breakfast. And it
being legit.
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| It's practically all the food groups: sugar, fat, and pink. |
Holy
ever loving fuck are Poptarts sugary.
So
in vaguely related news, I've been in Dunedin for the past month or
so, and one person I've been seeing plenty of is the lovely, and very
American Gareth McMullen.
 |
| You know. The one who keeps submitting all the titty pics and dick jokes to this blog. |
He
described Poptarts as being as if Jesus, both Queen Elizabeths,
Buddha and the third emperor of Mexico were all to have a gang bang
in your mouth: you aren't quite sure if it's good or bad but at the
very least, it's an interesting and memorable experience. With a
description like that, we definitely needed to make that trip to the
supermarket so he could take my Poptart virginity. Pop my cherry
flavoured Poptart if you will. We chose cherry flavoured because
those and the wildberry ones were the only flavours left, as most of
Dunedin had discovered the novelty of this new product already,
despite the exorbitant price. ($10 for a box, daylight robbery!)
We
skipped home. We put the Poptarts in the toaster. I put the Poptart
in my mouth. I instantly developed type 2 diabetes.
It
was kinda like an artificially flavoured cherry-filled cookie with
sickeningly sweet pink icing that was still warm from the toaster. My
mind was not blown. Neither Queen Elizabeths were gang banged in my
mouth. It wasn't unpleasant (if a little too sugary) but it didn't
really live up to the hype either.
New
Zealand: this is my recommendation to you. Don't waste your money on
Poptarts, you will probably be disappointed and seriously man you
could buy several bags of Doritos with the $10 you didn't spend on
Poptarts. Remember when we first got Doritos here? And how excited
you were? Those things are still fucking tasty.
Or
have a salad and go for a jog, you know. To each their own.
