New Hyperbole and a Half!

   I will admit, I haven't been checking Hyperbole and a Half for ages because it's been so long since the last post, and even I can be a bad blogger, and the longer I put off updating, the harder it gets, which is why I ended up with shitty blog posts about whores, tinsel fetishes, and Christmas in October.

   However, I decided to go back for one last nostalgic look at H&H to re-read about Kenny Loggins (a personal favourite post of mine) when, lo and behold:

   THERE IS A NEW POST AT HYPERBOLE AND A HALF!

   And it's rather eloquent. Pictures are excellent, too.

   Anyway, this is rather how I've been feeling for the past couple of months, so it gives me hope that eventually I can get through it and even, maybe, touch a spider.

   Time to draw a spider, I think.

I've named him William and given him a sophisticated top hat. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Christmas in October

   I was in The Warehouse the other day with my mother because she wanted to buy herself a new kettle (“There’s something wrong with the old one, it makes a noise when it boils!”) and I’d been dragged along to assist in the kettle selection process. Eventually, she decided none at The Warehouse were up to her standards, and I found her later outside Smiths City with a shiny new kettle that promised to make “minimal noise” (I’ll be honest, there is a difference, but only slightly) and my mother looking very pleased with her purchase.

   However, minimal-noise kettles is not my point.

   While we were browsing the aisles of The Warehouse, I noticed that, although Halloween hasn’t even occurred yet, (leaving you some time to arrange your slutty costume) Christmas decorations were up already. It isn’t even November yet. Excellent.

   Personally, I believe tinsel should be available for purchase year-round. How else are you going to go to a Halloween party as anything that allows you to indulge in a glitter/sparkle fetish? (Ke$ha notwithstanding.)

The sex symbol of our generation. Also, the glitter on her chest could  be to cover up breast herpes: because breast herpes isn't a phase. It's for life.

   Here are some home decorating ideas using tinsel and Christmas decorations, to prepare you for Christmas in October.

• Keep your ho's at the table 

   First of all, I cringe at the sight of an apostrophe to denote a plural. I know it's wrong. But I can't seem to find anything here that looks right. The OCD in me wants to apologise for that. Anyway.

   Christmas is a time of celebration, and Christmas in October is a little odd, so why not celebrate Christmas in October in an odd way? With prostitutes, that’s how. First consult with the law to see if this is legal in your area because, ya know. Legal safety first. Then, take out a large bank loan, because these will cost money, and I’m ethical enough to believe you should pay them fairly. Next, follow the instructions on the link to create this charming table decoration, and treat all your purchases to a delicious Christmas dinner. In October.

• Organise your Christmas recipes

   If you're going to cook Christmas dinner for all your special guests this October, you want to keep things as easy and stress free as possible. Why not make a recipe card holder? And if you want a unique twist to dessert for your Christmas in October, you could try these recipes.

• Christmas pillow cases

   After treating your “guests” to Christmas dinner in October, you may want to actually get the service you paid for and go to the bedroom. But alas, no Christmas-themed décor there! Never fear, here’s a link to instructions for Christmas pillow cases. Good luck, have fun, and use protection. (It’s an industry standard.)

   I apologise that this post has, yet again, fallen into debauchery and prostitution. It seems to be an unintentional ongoing theme on this blog. But really, if we’re going to talk about Ke$ha, breast herpes, and Christmas-in-October, I can’t really see this going any other direction.

Rugby World Cup 2011

WE WON. FUCK YEAH!

Good job, All Blacks.

That is all.

Mysteries abound at Homeless Hill

   So yesterday I was hanging out with my cousin Merryn and her friend Erin in a place called Homeless Hill, so named because a couple of years ago I knew two freedom campers (technically homeless) that lived there. Anyway, I headed back today to do some exploring and I made some interesting discoveries.

We keep it classy, yo

   The first thing I found was a large area of water, which lead to a larger area of water, which lead to a spring. Turns out the homeless boys/freedom campers had an eagle eye for real estate- running water is a luxury when you’re homeless. I took some photos because I got myself a camera lately, though they certainly don’t do it justice.

Large area of water

Larger area of water

   The most interesting part is that it appears to have been carefully constructed with a wood plank and stones placed just so, and it appears to have been there a while. Top homeless engineering.

    The next thing I discovered was a tarp among the trees. Strung up and everything. Cautiously, I looked around, but there was no sign of anyone around. I took a couple of sneaky pictures of the tarp and went to explore further up the hill.

   When I came back, the tarp was gone (I still hadn’t seen or heard anyone, and I was only off for a minute or so) and when I went to compare it to the photos on my camera, all the tarp pictures I’d taken were mysteriously missing, except for one, that had ended up all distorted.

There might be the tarp in this. Maybe. 

   I ran the fuck out of there.

   I returned later today with Erin (she does fencing- with David, so I thought if we got attacked, she’d probably be an advantage in a stick war with a hobo with an advanced ability in engineering) to take some more photos where the tarp was to see if it would work. It did. Odd.

   Anyway, what on earth happened today? The tarp coming down was one thing. But those photos? Fucking weird. I’m not going back there by myself.

   Also, I saw ex-boyfriend today for the first time since he got back from Canada, so I might get him to escort me there next time. With a knife from his shop, so I feel safe. All in the name of “investigative journalism.”

   Also yeah. I’m totally aware that I ended up ruining some homeless person’s day. That was not the intention of this. I’m just curious to find out what’s going on now after that incident with the photos. That’s freaking unnerving.

  

Horoscopes

   Presented in a (probably) scrambled order, because I’m not a “professional” fortune teller, and I don’t know the order of the signs of the zodiac.

Virgo

   According to my sources, if you are a Virgo, you are supremely organised. If you are anything like me, (also a Virgo) this means everything is in lists, charts, and tables, all agonisingly colour-coordinated, and you have two engagement diaries, one for school and one for everything else. You are probably suffering from OCD and ought to see a doctor.

Aquarius

   Sometime over the next month or so, you may drown. Alternatively, you may just drink a glass of water- the heavens generally aren’t too specific in their influence.

Cancer

   Yeah. That’s definitely cancer you have. Or crabs. Bad news either way, really. But it’s definitely something nasty.

Libra

   You know why the symbol for Libra is the scales? BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT. I blame all the chocolate covered bacon. It is freaking delicious.

Capricorn

   Did you know goats have rectangular pupils? I was freaked out when I first discovered this.

Scorpio

   [insert vague, but yet oddly specific prediction here, because no one cares about Scorpio. Except the guy I saw the other day. He had a tattoo of a scorpion all up his arm and it looked amazing. Otherwise, no one cares.]

Gemini

   True love awaits you at the homeless shelter. Mmmm… soup! Seriously though, they are tall, dark, scruffy, and your soul mate. Best of luck. Remember to have some spare change handy.

Aries

   Venus is in the twelfth house which means… Jesus, I’m fucked if I know what that means. I’m a blogger, not a fortune teller. Go get yourself some Pringles and quit worrying about the future, you’ll probably be fine.

Taurus

   You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you’ll have lettuce between your teeth at the time. The other bad news is that he/she (women can be handsome too, y’know) will quite clearly see this. The other good news is that they won’t give a damn anyway, because you’ve got either a stellar personality, a great sense of humour- or more realistically, a nice rack and/or an impressive bank balance.

Leo

   The only Leo I know of is my older brother, so I better write something nice. Ok, here goes. You will have a fantastic week ahead of you. You will score fuckloads of free meals because dammit, we all know the way to your heart is through your stomach. Sleep will no longer evade you and you will wake every morning feeling refreshed. The weather will be surprisingly pleasant (mostly because you no longer live in Dunedin) and you’ll meet some babes. Work will be satisfying and enjoyable. Now, because I am a realist: pick just two of these outcomes.

Sagittarius

   You know what? Absolutely nothing of interest will happen in the next month or so. This can be a good thing depending on how you look at it. For example:

Bad things about nothing interesting happening this month:

·         You won’t be meeting the love of your life

·         You won’t win the lottery

·         You’ll be bored

Good things about nothing interesting happening this month:

·         You won’t get attacked by a horde of angry pensioners (because that would be interesting, though unpleasant)

·         You will not almost die of food poisoning after eating a dodgy grape

·         By the end of the month you will probably feel more grateful for the things in your life.

   Moral of the story: be Optimist Prime, not a Negatron.

Pisces

    Ah, Pisces. The star sign often regarded as being sensitive and thoughtful. You will read the wrong horoscope and feel optimistic because you thought you, too, would score some free meals until you realise you were reading about Leo. You will then feel a little disappointed, but then realise that the horoscope for Pisces does not say that you won’t score free meals, so the possibility remains. It’s stuff like that that makes your day sometimes.

Bellez Becomes an Agony Aunt

   So earlier this year, when I was writing for The Leaky Biro, our sort-of self-appointed editor wanted some more unusual humour. I suggested we start an advice column, in which I give the worst advice ever. He asked me to mock up some questions and answers, to see what I was capable of. Upon reading them, the idea was rejected outright.*

Ask Aunt “I’ll Agonise You!” Annabel

Dear Annabel

   There’s this boy at my school in the year above me who’s, like, amazing. I’d really like to ask him out, but last time I had the balls to ask someone else out, it turned out he had a girlfriend. It was really embarrassing. How can I find out if this guy has a girlfriend to save me any embarrassment in the future?

-Red Faced

Dear Red-Faced

   The answer is to, quite simply, stalk him. Follow him around everywhere. Around school. To the toilet. Freaking everywhere. If you catch him even looking at a girl, you know he’s taken. Avoid embarrassment in this way. Facebook stalking is a good idea too, though it tends to work better if he has an open profile.

-Annabel

Dear Annabel

   I took all your advice. Seriously. I stalked him to death, and not once did he look like he was into any other girls, so I took the plunge and asked him out. Turned out he batted for the other team. Yeah. He’s gay. Thanks a bunch.

-Red Faced

Dear Red Faced

   All the cute ones are.

-Annabel

Dear Annabel

   Ok, straight to the point, there’s this chick I know through Facebook, and she keeps texting me. Heaps. I know I shouldn’t have put my mobile number on my profile, but never mind that now. Why does she keep texting me? I’m not gay or anything, I do like female attention. But it’s so annoying! What does she want from me?

-Mr Popular

Dear Mr Popular

   She probably wants to have your babies. That or she’s trying to steal your wallet. Alternatively she could be using you to get to your friend, or older brother, even, that she likes. Who knows? Teenage girls can be a fickle bunch. If you want to get rid of her, try this: pretend that you’ve sold your phone to your uncle. Yes, the creepy one. If she texts you again, reply to her (in normal grammatical English, not txt language, so she doesn’t suspect it’s a teenage boy again) that you have recently purchased this phone from your nephew and that you are fifty-three years old. And bald. And fat. With a beard. That should stop any unwanted attention. If that appeals to her, your problem is far too big for me to solve- you’re on your own there mate.

-Annabel

Dear Annabel

   I’ve been in a relationship with this guy now for all of three months. Except there’s one problem. I don’t really like him anymore! I’ve never broken up with a guy before! How do I do it?

-Breakup Virgin

Dear Breakup Virgin

   There are many, many ways to break up with a guy. It all depends on context. For example, if he was just a plain old douchebag, no technique is more efficient in making the point quite like a good shovel to the face. If violence is not your thing, however, why not try getting with two of his best friends? In front of him? That tends to get the message across. Hopefully he won’t try to join in. If he does- run. It’s even more proof that he’s not the type you want to be with. Good luck!

-Annabel

*and by rejected outright, I mean everyone else supported the idea but him. It’s cool. That’s why my blog gets this special treat, and not the Biro.

How to be Sexy for Halloween

   This blog post is brought to you by The Concise Oxford Dictionary, 1983 edition. (Which is the one sitting next to my adoptive father’s chair, by the way, as my parents are avid crossword solvers, and my mum still hasn’t figured out you can Google things like I would.) No, Oxford did not pay for me to write this. (It would be nice if they had.) This post was merely inspired by them. And the dictionary.

Captivating bedtime reading, folks.

   More on that later, though.

   Now, although it was barely September when I started writing this (procrastinators gonna procrastinate) you probably know that if you want to have the best Halloween costume ever, you should have already started planning well in advance. If you were so dedicated, however, that you already knew that by now, you wouldn’t be coming to me for help, so you may as well get back to planning your slutty vampire outfit or whatever, while I cover the basics of Halloween costumes.

   Kiddies, I’m not talking about trick-or-treat costumes here. I’m talking about costumes for parties that are a little age-inappropriate for you. If you’re still young enough to trick-or-treat, it doesn’t really matter how cool you look. In fact, the more pathetic looking your costume is, the more adults will feel sorry for you and give you extra candy. So go on, chuck a sheet over your head and pretend to be a ghost. Parents will lap that shit up.

Eyeholes are an unnecessary luxury.  You won't get extra candy with them.

   I’d also like to point out that this advice is more relevant to women. Guys, it probably doesn’t matter what you dress up as, as long as you don’t vomit on the shoes of the girl dressed as the sexy policewoman, you should be fine.

   Ladies, I’m sure you’ve all heard the fashion rule that states that there’s nothing sexier than showing off just one body part at a time- just the legs OR the chest OR the back. However, this is Halloween. Ignore this rule completely. Show off a bit of leg, get your tits out and bare your midriff. Just make sure you expose as much skin as possible. Also, wear knee-high socks. Every slutty Halloween costume incorporates these somehow.

   Everyone also knows it’s a fashion faux pas to turn up to a party in the exact same outfit as someone else. If you don’t make an effort to look unique, you’re just going to turn up in the same dirty nurse costume as twelve other girls and we can’t have that, can we? In order to inspire us with some truly unique ideas, I have consulted the dictionary (also I may have just looked around the room) for some suggestions. Here is what I’ve come up with:

The Sexy Road Cone

Mmmm... traffic.

  This is a unique choice for a Halloween costume, not because road cones aren’t sexy (they are) but because orange is one of those colours that is difficult for a lot of people to wear. Especially redheads like myself. It clashes with my hair. Regardless, this is one worth trying. You can even make it a tribute to Madonna’s iconic cone bra.

Sexy rating: 6/10

Unique rating: 6.5/10

The Playboy Bunny

You don't want to know how long I spent shading her inner thighs when drawing this.

   I decided to include this one because there is always someone every year who turns up in a playboy costume. And also because I happen to have a picture of Hannah in a costume that I’d drawn- by request, thank you very much. It’s not very original, but as it’s a near-universal symbol of debauchery, that should matter too much.

Sexy rating: 8.5/10

Unique rating: 2/10

Sexy “Sexy Costume”

So I may have just Googled "Nude model" and been brave enough to turn Safe Search off to find this girl, then covered her up in MS Paint. Damn I'm a smart cookie.

   Turn up in a bikini and stilettos. If anyone asks what you’re trying to be, tell them “sexy.” May as well just cut to the chase.

Sexy rating: 9/10

Unique rating: 8.5/10- let's be honest, no one's thought of this very often.

...and one for the boys...

Sexy Werewolf

Jacob had little say in this, I imagine.

  

   Hannah’s actually planning to make her boyfriend wear this costume. (The picture is by her.) Personally, I don’t know how long that costume’s going to stay on him though. Half a minute is my guess. Men, if you have the body to go shirtless, this is how you do sexy for Halloween. With half the female population going mental over werewolves and vampires after Twishite, you’ll probably impress someone in this. Unless you have a beer gut. And you puked all over their shoes.