So earlier this year, when I was writing for The Leaky Biro, our sort-of self-appointed editor wanted some more unusual humour. I suggested we start an advice column, in which I give the worst advice ever. He asked me to mock up some questions and answers, to see what I was capable of. Upon reading them, the idea was rejected outright.*
Ask Aunt “I’ll Agonise You!” Annabel
Dear Annabel
There’s this boy at my school in the year above me who’s, like, amazing. I’d really like to ask him out, but last time I had the balls to ask someone else out, it turned out he had a girlfriend. It was really embarrassing. How can I find out if this guy has a girlfriend to save me any embarrassment in the future?
-Red Faced
Dear Red-Faced
The answer is to, quite simply, stalk him. Follow him around everywhere. Around school. To the toilet. Freaking everywhere. If you catch him even looking at a girl, you know he’s taken. Avoid embarrassment in this way. Facebook stalking is a good idea too, though it tends to work better if he has an open profile.
-Annabel
Dear Annabel
I took all your advice. Seriously. I stalked him to death, and not once did he look like he was into any other girls, so I took the plunge and asked him out. Turned out he batted for the other team. Yeah. He’s gay. Thanks a bunch.
-Red Faced
Dear Red Faced
All the cute ones are.
-Annabel
Dear Annabel
Ok, straight to the point, there’s this chick I know through Facebook, and she keeps texting me. Heaps. I know I shouldn’t have put my mobile number on my profile, but never mind that now. Why does she keep texting me? I’m not gay or anything, I do like female attention. But it’s so annoying! What does she want from me?
-Mr Popular
Dear Mr Popular
She probably wants to have your babies. That or she’s trying to steal your wallet. Alternatively she could be using you to get to your friend, or older brother, even, that she likes. Who knows? Teenage girls can be a fickle bunch. If you want to get rid of her, try this: pretend that you’ve sold your phone to your uncle. Yes, the creepy one. If she texts you again, reply to her (in normal grammatical English, not txt language, so she doesn’t suspect it’s a teenage boy again) that you have recently purchased this phone from your nephew and that you are fifty-three years old. And bald. And fat. With a beard. That should stop any unwanted attention. If that appeals to her, your problem is far too big for me to solve- you’re on your own there mate.
-Annabel
Dear Annabel
I’ve been in a relationship with this guy now for all of three months. Except there’s one problem. I don’t really like him anymore! I’ve never broken up with a guy before! How do I do it?
-Breakup Virgin
Dear Breakup Virgin
There are many, many ways to break up with a guy. It all depends on context. For example, if he was just a plain old douchebag, no technique is more efficient in making the point quite like a good shovel to the face. If violence is not your thing, however, why not try getting with two of his best friends? In front of him? That tends to get the message across. Hopefully he won’t try to join in. If he does- run. It’s even more proof that he’s not the type you want to be with. Good luck!
-Annabel
*and by rejected outright, I mean everyone else supported the idea but him. It’s cool. That’s why my blog gets this special treat, and not the Biro.
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