This blog post is brought to you by The Concise Oxford Dictionary, 1983 edition. (Which is the one sitting next to my adoptive father’s chair, by the way, as my parents are avid crossword solvers, and my mum still hasn’t figured out you can Google things like I would.) No, Oxford did not pay for me to write this. (It would be nice if they had.) This post was merely inspired by them. And the dictionary.
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| Captivating bedtime reading, folks. |
More on that later, though.
Now, although it was barely September when I started writing this (procrastinators gonna procrastinate) you probably know that if you want to have the best Halloween costume ever, you should have already started planning well in advance. If you were so dedicated, however, that you already knew that by now, you wouldn’t be coming to me for help, so you may as well get back to planning your slutty vampire outfit or whatever, while I cover the basics of Halloween costumes.
Kiddies, I’m not talking about trick-or-treat costumes here. I’m talking about costumes for parties that are a little age-inappropriate for you. If you’re still young enough to trick-or-treat, it doesn’t really matter how cool you look. In fact, the more pathetic looking your costume is, the more adults will feel sorry for you and give you extra candy. So go on, chuck a sheet over your head and pretend to be a ghost. Parents will lap that shit up.
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| Eyeholes are an unnecessary luxury. You won't get extra candy with them. |
I’d also like to point out that this advice is more relevant to women. Guys, it probably doesn’t matter what you dress up as, as long as you don’t vomit on the shoes of the girl dressed as the sexy policewoman, you should be fine.
Ladies, I’m sure you’ve all heard the fashion rule that states that there’s nothing sexier than showing off just one body part at a time- just the legs OR the chest OR the back. However, this is Halloween. Ignore this rule completely. Show off a bit of leg, get your tits out and bare your midriff. Just make sure you expose as much skin as possible. Also, wear knee-high socks. Every slutty Halloween costume incorporates these somehow.
Everyone also knows it’s a fashion faux pas to turn up to a party in the exact same outfit as someone else. If you don’t make an effort to look unique, you’re just going to turn up in the same dirty nurse costume as twelve other girls and we can’t have that, can we? In order to inspire us with some truly unique ideas, I have consulted the dictionary (also I may have just looked around the room) for some suggestions. Here is what I’ve come up with:
The Sexy Road Cone
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| Mmmm... traffic. |
This is a unique choice for a Halloween costume, not because road cones aren’t sexy (they are) but because orange is one of those colours that is difficult for a lot of people to wear. Especially redheads like myself. It clashes with my hair. Regardless, this is one worth trying. You can even make it a tribute to Madonna’s iconic cone bra.
Sexy rating: 6/10
Unique rating: 6.5/10
The Playboy Bunny
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| You don't want to know how long I spent shading her inner thighs when drawing this. |
I decided to include this one because there is always someone every year who turns up in a playboy costume. And also because I happen to have a picture of Hannah in a costume that I’d drawn- by request, thank you very much. It’s not very original, but as it’s a near-universal symbol of debauchery, that should matter too much.
Sexy rating: 8.5/10
Unique rating: 2/10
Sexy “Sexy Costume”
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| So I may have just Googled "Nude model" and been brave enough to turn Safe Search off to find this girl, then covered her up in MS Paint. Damn I'm a smart cookie. |
Turn up in a bikini and stilettos. If anyone asks what you’re trying to be, tell them “sexy.” May as well just cut to the chase.
Sexy rating: 9/10
Unique rating: 8.5/10- let's be honest, no one's thought of this very often.
...and one for the boys...
Sexy Werewolf
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| Jacob had little say in this, I imagine. |
Hannah’s actually planning to make her boyfriend wear this costume. (The picture is by her.) Personally, I don’t know how long that costume’s going to stay on him though. Half a minute is my guess. Men, if you have the body to go shirtless, this is how you do sexy for Halloween. With half the female population going mental over werewolves and vampires after Twishite, you’ll probably impress someone in this. Unless you have a beer gut. And you puked all over their shoes.
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