Horoscopes

   Presented in a (probably) scrambled order, because I’m not a “professional” fortune teller, and I don’t know the order of the signs of the zodiac.

Virgo

   According to my sources, if you are a Virgo, you are supremely organised. If you are anything like me, (also a Virgo) this means everything is in lists, charts, and tables, all agonisingly colour-coordinated, and you have two engagement diaries, one for school and one for everything else. You are probably suffering from OCD and ought to see a doctor.

Aquarius

   Sometime over the next month or so, you may drown. Alternatively, you may just drink a glass of water- the heavens generally aren’t too specific in their influence.

Cancer

   Yeah. That’s definitely cancer you have. Or crabs. Bad news either way, really. But it’s definitely something nasty.

Libra

   You know why the symbol for Libra is the scales? BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT. I blame all the chocolate covered bacon. It is freaking delicious.

Capricorn

   Did you know goats have rectangular pupils? I was freaked out when I first discovered this.

Scorpio

   [insert vague, but yet oddly specific prediction here, because no one cares about Scorpio. Except the guy I saw the other day. He had a tattoo of a scorpion all up his arm and it looked amazing. Otherwise, no one cares.]

Gemini

   True love awaits you at the homeless shelter. Mmmm… soup! Seriously though, they are tall, dark, scruffy, and your soul mate. Best of luck. Remember to have some spare change handy.

Aries

   Venus is in the twelfth house which means… Jesus, I’m fucked if I know what that means. I’m a blogger, not a fortune teller. Go get yourself some Pringles and quit worrying about the future, you’ll probably be fine.

Taurus

   You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you’ll have lettuce between your teeth at the time. The other bad news is that he/she (women can be handsome too, y’know) will quite clearly see this. The other good news is that they won’t give a damn anyway, because you’ve got either a stellar personality, a great sense of humour- or more realistically, a nice rack and/or an impressive bank balance.

Leo

   The only Leo I know of is my older brother, so I better write something nice. Ok, here goes. You will have a fantastic week ahead of you. You will score fuckloads of free meals because dammit, we all know the way to your heart is through your stomach. Sleep will no longer evade you and you will wake every morning feeling refreshed. The weather will be surprisingly pleasant (mostly because you no longer live in Dunedin) and you’ll meet some babes. Work will be satisfying and enjoyable. Now, because I am a realist: pick just two of these outcomes.

Sagittarius

   You know what? Absolutely nothing of interest will happen in the next month or so. This can be a good thing depending on how you look at it. For example:

Bad things about nothing interesting happening this month:

·         You won’t be meeting the love of your life

·         You won’t win the lottery

·         You’ll be bored

Good things about nothing interesting happening this month:

·         You won’t get attacked by a horde of angry pensioners (because that would be interesting, though unpleasant)

·         You will not almost die of food poisoning after eating a dodgy grape

·         By the end of the month you will probably feel more grateful for the things in your life.

   Moral of the story: be Optimist Prime, not a Negatron.

Pisces

    Ah, Pisces. The star sign often regarded as being sensitive and thoughtful. You will read the wrong horoscope and feel optimistic because you thought you, too, would score some free meals until you realise you were reading about Leo. You will then feel a little disappointed, but then realise that the horoscope for Pisces does not say that you won’t score free meals, so the possibility remains. It’s stuff like that that makes your day sometimes.