I'm not sure if I'm going to publish this. Let's see how this goes, shall we?
So, if you've read my blog much before, you know I'm a huge fan of Allie Brosh's Hyperbole and a Half, because her blog is witty, funny, and beautifully relatable. Her most recent post was Adventures in Depression, in which she comes to terms with how she's been. I remember reading it shortly after it appeared on her blog and thinking shucks, this is almost word for word how I've been feeling, right down to the pile of laundry that I'll do "later." I appreciated the accurate descriptions, and recognised that I was probably also suffering from depression. Being the totally rational and sensible person I was, I dealt with this by shoving it to the back of my mind to instead distract myself by endlessly browsing Reddit and eating.
I think I've got to the point where I've realised now that if my problem is not being fixed by chocolate icecream, perhaps I ought to try a different strategy. Anyway, tonight I seriously decided apathy and icecream wasn't going to cut it and I'm actually going to do something. I'm a little embarrassed it took so long between "realising I probably have depression" and "actually actively deciding to do something about it"- it's worth pointing out that Adventures in Depression was published well over a year ago. Better late than never, I suppose. I think I put it off for so long for two reasons:
1. If I pretend I'm not depressed maybe I won't be depressed and just be happy. (The logic is not very strong with this one.)
2. I didn't really know where to start.
Everyone has to have their breaking point where they decide "enough is enough." Mine happened about a week ago. I'd been out drinking in town because I'd convinced myself that it meant that at least I'd left the house and been sociable, so that counts as achieving something, right? And I'd woken up on a friend's couch the next morning, realised I'd managed to lose my eftpos card, my ipod, my keys and my favourite lipstick. Also my other friend was going to get me Fergburger the previous night, but I hadn't met up with them and thus had missed out. As this post has already made apparent, food is a strong motivating factor for me because food doesn't judge you. So that was the last straw, really. I picked myself up, walked home (which was particularly unpleasant when I was hungry and didn't have music to listen to) and threw myself on my bed, feeling sorry for myself and deciding that I was stupid and should know better than to ever leave the house again.
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| Best comfort food ever. They didn't even pay me to say that, but if they gave me a free Chief Wiggum burger, I would totally whore out my integrity for food and write a whole blog post about why it is the best burger place in the south island at least. OH GOD I'M SO HUNGRY. |
After stewing on that for a week or so, I've decided I have had enough. It's normally something I'd cringe about, but I posted on Facebook basically saying I'd like to get help but have no clue where to start. I was taken aback by the kindness of my Facebook friends.
They sent me a lot of supportive messages and reminded me that treatment for depression is often free in New Zealand, so as not to let cost be a barrier to my getting better, and I was sent a couple of helpful links. One was The Lowdown. It's been advertised to death on New Zealand television, but for some reason I'd never got around to checking it out. It's pretty decent, and most importantly, relevant. In the sense that I'd come across many "help" sites for depression, but they were nearly all based in America, so the numbers they provided for helplines were not particularly useful for me.
Another link I was given was for Depression Quest. "Depression Quest" sounds like a super lame game focused on achievements such as "eating all the icecream again, you disgusting fat slob" and "drowning in your own tears and self pity" but is actually an interactive fiction game where you play, surprise surprise, a depressed person. As you go on and make more "depressed" choices in the game, you find your options become more and more limited- but as you make better decisions for your mental health and relationships, you are able to make more choices and start to get better. It's supposed to be able to help people understand what living with depression is like, and make you feel like you are not alone in how you feel. Anyway, I "won" kinda. I got the ending where things are starting to get better and you realise that you can cope with this aspect of your life.
For me, this was a revelation. You see, I've always considered being depressed as a part of my life, and a part of myself. Like no matter what effort I make, it's always going to be there, and I'm always going to feel this way, and I'm never going to get any better. The ending of Depression Quest showed me that even though it might never go away, I can learn to cope with it and enjoy life and have healthy relationships and do stuff. It's part of me, sure, but it's not going to rule my life like it is currently. I wanted to do something about it.
I dealt with this by going back on Reddit and eating a bowl of noodles and cheese.
I kept meaning to do something about this. It was always in the back of my mind. But the first place to go would be my GP- and due to unemployment etc, I convinced myself that I couldn't afford to go to the doctor, and that I'll just have to sit at home by myself until I'd convinced myself that I was better.
At least my friends knew about it now. At least they were able to be supportive. I found that to be a helpful start at least. One of them sent me another link: Allie had made another post about depression at Hyperbole and a Half, and it was fantastic.
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| Also this drawing by her became my Facebook profile picture for a couple of days because it perfectly summed up exactly how I was feeling. |
As much as I found these links inspiring and helpful, and as much as I realised I was depressed and wanted to do something about it, for the past couple of years, my motivation to do anything has been at an all time low. Seriously. I started writing this about a month ago, and I'm only just finishing it now.
I got sick, physically. That was what prompted me. I'd been in Dunedin staying at a friend's, when I suddenly got horrifically sick. I couldn't afford to see a doctor in Dunedin- even more expensive being away from home, so I had to wait it out until my bus back to Queenstown and take painkillers galore and drink my own bodyweight in water twice a day until then. It was not very pleasant.
Also, I wasn't able to get a bus back to Queenstown until a Friday night, which meant I had to tough it out for the weekend or pay weekend rates for the doctor, which are even worse when you're unemployed. (Also: never become an artist. Sure, I'm doing something I love, but I can't even afford to take care of myself when I'm sick.)
I thought I could tough it out for another couple of days. Anyway, by 10 am on Saturday, I was curled up in agony on my living room floor, and my mum insisted I was going to the doctors.
While I was there, I thought, considering I was paying $80 for the visit, I might as well get my money's worth and mention my depression to my doctor, who said she could arrange some things and get me some help for free. Oh, also, I'm not in pain and dying now, which is nice. Eighty bloody dollars though...
I'm seeing someone on Friday. I'll keep you posted. Probably. If I find the motivation...
