(How to exchange cash for loving, without mucking about on street corners)
What Not To Get Her
• A Hallmark card. Because it’s lazy. You don’t have to be artistic to make her a card. If boyfriend gave me a card he made with a crudely drawn stick figure and a heart, I’d be impressed. Mostly at him noticing my undying love for Pak ‘n’ Save man.
• Condoms. For an acquaintance. No matter how optimistic you are. If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, don’t even think you’re going to get any action from the other lonely single people out there. They’re too busy drowning themselves in cheap wine to care about you showering them in affections. (And protection. Still, better safe than sorry!)
• Flowers that you stole from the neighbours garden, you cheapskate.
• Those tacky “this coupon entitles the bearer to one free kiss” type things. BAN THESE PLEASE. Besides, I own a vivid. So if I don’t like you, I will edit it until it says “this coupon entitles the bearer to one free smack in the face with a phonebook” and then I will regift it to you, with the smack provided.
• Dead kittens. This almost speaks for itself. But a couple of years ago I was in a long distance relationship, and my boyfriend at the time got me a kitten for Valentine’s Day, mostly because it was free. (His neighbour’s cat had just had kittens.) Aside from being a cheap present, this was also a really poorly thought out idea. Mostly because the kitten died of cat flu before he ever got to Queenstown to give it to me, and I never let him forget the incident. We didn’t make it to the next Valentines Day. I wonder why.
Further Bad Ideas
• Nothing at all
• Oral sex when she doesn’t know your name. PEPPER SPRAY TIME!
• Chocolates, while you tell her you love how fat her thighs are getting. On second thoughts, perhaps just chocolates and an “I love you” will suffice, unless you want your present from her to be a phonebook to the face. (See above.)
• You could tell her she’s almost as pretty as I am. She ought to be flattered by this.
• A pair of pink, fur lined handcuffs.
• Or, better yet, knee pads! (Boyfriend recently purchased some because he had utterly destroyed his knee on a rock. He suggested they could be my Valentines present. I was unimpressed.)
What You Should Get Her
• Something
• A bottle of tequila. Why? It turns everyone into a nymphomaniac. So win for you!
• Roses. Red ones. If she doesn’t like clichés, get her a dead kitten.
• Take her on a date somewhere, how hard is tha- NOT THE FISH AND CHIP SHOP. SOMEWHERE NICE.
• Last Valentine’s Day, I hung out with two backpackers from England. They had a campfire, and I provided the marshmallows. If you’re going to do this, call your local council to see if you can get a fire permit. (It turns out they didn’t, and could have got in a lot of trouble, especially if they’d lost control of the fire.) Oh, also. Try not to set your date on fire. It tends to end badly when that happens.
• Been together a year or more? Why not get her some jewellery? But if you went and bought it from The $2 Shop, whatever you do, don’t let her find out, or she will never let you forget it. Its practically asking her to smack you in the face with an aforementioned phonebook- and no one wants violence on Valentines Day.
Notable Mentions
• Washing, deodorant, clean clothes. Really. Try not to use excessive hair product either. Just imagine her running her finger through your hair- and them coming out all stuck together from the excess product you used. It’s not very romantic.
• Valentine’s Day is February 14th, just so you remember.
• I have a boyfriend, but I will totally accept any gifts you wish to give me.
• For those who say its an over-commercialised holiday that you will not be celebrating this year… let me know when you finally get laid.
