Skanks

   I strongly dislike the word “slut”- it is often misused, and I don’t like the idea of labelling someone- especially a woman, promiscuous. It is none of my business what she does with her vagina. After all, if she’s not being called a whore, she’s being called a frigid prude. Seems like you can’t win either way. However, as far as the “s-word” goes, there is one case in which I find it to be applicable: the extremely sexually active thirteen year old girl.

   Oh god. Look, I’ve grown up in Queenstown. At New Years and Winter Festival, I’ve witnessed these kids (lets not kid ourselves and call them “young ladies”) and their unusual… er… courtship rituals. The epitome of what they are all striving to be is this: the attention whore. In fact, out of the goodness of my heart, I shall now provide you with a simple guide to being a young, teenaged, (attention) whore.

1. Don’t wash for a bit. You want your multicoloured hair and cheap extensions to look really ratty and greasy and gross. This shows that you are shunning the mainstream idea of sanitation and are thus edgy, cool, and unique, just like all of your friends.


2. Clothing. Ideally, this should cover as little of you as possible. In order to reveal more skin, why not add a few strategically placed rips, tears and holes (i.e. all the way up the legs of your obnoxiously bright skinny jeans) or even forgo pants altogether and just wear an oversized t-shirt that references some social movement that you neither understand nor care about. Ripped tights are also a great way to flash more flesh- the hottest look is to have your cellulite oozing through a pair of fishnets. Keep it classy, yo.

3. Makeup. This is hugely important, as it offers a way to cover your flaws (and everything else, with a one inch thick cake of crap on your face) and also express your personality with yet more bright, obnoxious colours.
   First start with discount dollar store false lashes. Don’t worry if you fail sticking them on and get eyelash glue all over your eyelids, it will soon all be covered by makeup anyway.
   Now apply eyeshadow. I recommend a fluorescent pink- that way, its not only awfully bright, but it has the added advantage of making you look stoned, too.
   Now for eyeliner. The look you’re after is “panda.” Don’t worry, if you think you’ve overdone it, you just probably haven’t applied nearly enough. Add more.
   Now finish with some bronzer for a “healthy glow.” Except after you’ve paid $59.95 for Thin Lizzy, it better give you a lot more than a healthy glow. Your skin ought to be a good five to six shades darker than usual.
   Lipgloss is optional, but if you wear it, make sure it’s a classy shade of Barbie pink and a lovely, sticky texture like industrial strength glue.




Your makeup inspiration.


4. Accessories. The following are suitable:

• Gum. Lots of it. The louder you chew, the more attention you will receive.
• A cellphone, preferably with a camera. (For sexting.)
• Dozens of brightly coloured hair clips/bows. Wear all of these at once to show how revolutionary and original you are by breaking fashion rules.
• Jelly bracelets. Encourage others to snap them.
• Heels that you can’t quite walk in, so that when you do, you’ll be forced to wobble everywhere. This brings attention to your ass and thighs.
• Lots of tampons. Keep them in your handbag and regularly drop it in public so they spill out everywhere in full view. This will make it clear to everyone that you have a vagina.
• A poorly covered up lovebite. Or three.

   Congratulations. You now look the part of the young, teenaged, (attention) whore. Of course, you still need the attitude to match, but this shall be dealt with at a later date.
   Get whoring!