Shameless self promotion and other ways you can stalk me if you so desire

Sometime ago I made myself a twitter account. I posted from it... once? I think? I have no idea what to do with it because most of what I have to say takes up more than 140 characters and anything else that's witty enough goes on Facebook where people like my statuses to validate my existence. I think I'm following Dave Grohl on Twitter and maybe a couple more people but its pretty pointless as I never go on. If someone can explain to me how I should be using this Twitter thing and I get into it I'll post a link on here sometime.

   Tumblr. I didn't get that for the longest time either. Except now I do. And you should follow me, because I post pretty things and everyone loves pretty things. Rats and Rock n Roll is my personal tumblr, it has cool stuff and pretty stuff and only the occasional selfie, and you can totally ask me anything. 

   If art's more your thing (it is mine) then you can follow my art tumblr which has all my drawings, or my Facebook page for my art. I haven't really talked about it much on here but it's something I've been doing seriously for the last year or so and it's my "real job" (which, by the way kids, is a bad idea, because artists make very little money.) My work is pretty abstract and has lots of eyes and trees and rainbows, plus I also do a lot of portraits and commission work. Here's a link to my deviantart if that's your thing.

   Anyway, apologies for the link spam, and to make up for it, here's a kitten.

"Why? Because I'm fluffy, that's why."

Positive Lists

   When I was thirteen, I hated the school I went to, so my parents decided to send me to boarding school. It turns out I didn't like that much either.Within about five minutes of my parents leaving me at the hostel there, I'd already started scoping out some escape routes even though I was in an unfamiliar town where I knew nobody. I was a damn determined schoolgirl and no one was going to keep me hostage in a hostel!

   Except I never had the guts to run away that night.

   Anyway, to put me in a better state of mind and to distract me from my constant plotting of escape plans, one of the matrons at the hostel suggested I make a list of all the positive things in my life. Back then, they were a bit boring. Here's an example:

1. When we have banoffee pie for dessert.
   To be fair, I had a friend there who was allergic to bananas, so I'd always get her share.

27. Making positive lists.
   I was clearly running out of ideas by this stage.

28. Running away.
   This kind of defeated the purpose.


   Six years later, I thought it was an appropriate time to write an updated version.

1. Banoffee pie, still. It is delicious.

2. The Adam Lambert song, "Sleepwalker." Firstly because he's more fabulous than you'll ever be. Secondly because I love singing the chorus very loudly and changing the lyrics somewhat.

And he's still more fabulous than you.

3. Moustaches.

4. Bitching about ugly dresses!

5. Bitching in general. I'm a terrible person.

6. MS Paint pictures. (I know, I know, it's been a while.) Here's a hipster girl who had her hands amputated.

Hands are hard to draw, plus it cut off a bit at her legs. Let's say she has a boyfriend with an amputation fetish.

7. Browsing Reddit in my underwear, because it's basically internet crack.

8. Having sufficient heating to allow me to browse Reddit in my underwear despite the fact that I live in the south island and it is winter. I WILL SURVIVE.

9. SO MANY RATS!

10. Cheese

11. This baby sugar glider.

12. Fairylights

They are in this photo (at the top.) Also my new purchases mean my rat boys are no longer allowed on my bed, so they do not see this as a positive at all.

13. Mr Bearington and the Xtreme Coffee and Travel Mug set

14. The use of Xtreme to describe anything even though its not the nineties anymore and we don't need mountain bikes and surfboards and sunglasses to make us want to buy soft drinks.

15. I once had an "xtreme bible" which was in fluorescent colours to appeal to the youth. It looked pretty on my bookshelf.

16. Whiskey.

17. Getting new warm socks. I did a shopping trip recently, and socks and fairylights were the things I was most excited about getting. My tootsies are so warm and cozy during this southern winter, I'm stoked!

 18. The fact that Scott and his sister and I have recorded part one of our dramatic reading of My Immortal. Just waiting for it to be sent to me and I am yet to figure out how to put it on here but it will happen!


   I think eighteen items makes a pretty legit positive list. Good job Bellez, you have every reason to be happy.

Post 100!

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Just some cool stuff in the internet that I've enjoyed lately

   I'm writing this now (1:25pm, 22nd February) because there's some stuff I want to contribute, but you know I'll probably put off posting it until post #100 is done. Because, as you may have guessed from post #97, I'm damn excited about post #100. And cool stuff is still happening on the internet, (as ever) so I just thought I'd share a few things with you.

   First of all, this post on parody website Christwire (essentially a Christian version of the satire news site, The Onion) about Skrillex, describing him as both a "homosexual satan wasp" and a "Gothic icon and lesbian fashionista." In a recent letter to Dom, who first brought this to my attention, I attempted to make an illustration to sum up the entire "article". As the writing in the original version is too small for it to show up clearly on this blog, I have attempted to recreate this for you in MS Paint.

I'd like to think my wasp drawing skills have improved since this monstrosity.

   You know why I love this so much? Because Skrillex is my guilty pleasure. Say what you want about his music, or whether or not you think it even qualifies as music. I could not give a damn. He's pocket sized, he's enthusiastic, and he's even partied with my brother, which makes him pretty top in my opinion. Also, this:

OTHER COOL SHIT:

Spank the Monkey. I'm not very mature. Yes, I know it's old. Who cares. For those who haven't discovered this wildly inappropriately named game, it's a flash game hosted on albinoblacksheep.com.

As for what I've been up to on Reddit... other than discovering the aforementioned Skrillex post, I've also come across this little subreddit yesterday: r/toosoon. A bit tasteless for some, but have a look anyway if you're interested.

Over the past day or so I've also been rereading some old Hyperbole and a Half posts. I talk about this blog a lot on here, so I'll just link to one of my favourite old, underrated posts.

Also, while I was on Ablino Black Sheep earlier playing Spank the Monkey, I rewatched this Cyanide and Happiness short. Be sure to watch after the credits, there's a nice little surprise.

SMALL UPDATE: Fuck it, I'm posting this anyway. I spent so long drawing that picture of the homosexual satan wasp in MS Paint that I decided I wanted to show off about it.

Fucked up Stuff on the Internet Part II- Weird Porn Edition

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Ugly Dresses

   This isn't so much of a blog post as it is a chance for me to say that I just discovered my new favourite website (you know, other than Reddit) that will keep me more occupied than Wall Street.

http://uglydress.com/

AWWW YEAHH.

   It's like I have an inner fashionista gay man who just wants to bitch about what everyone's wearing. And this site is perfect for it.

   Well, if I don't update my blog often, you know where to find me.

Bellez's Big List of Weird Shit: Part One

   First of all, I've decided to divide this up into multiple posts otherwise I will never finish it. Seriously.

   Right, this is definitely going to be an ongoing and updated thing as I spend too much time looking up weird shit. This is my comprehensive list of every fucked up thing I can find on the internet. Some of it may be NSFW. Actually, most of it will probably NSFW. Bonus points if you make it through the whole thing. Suggestions welcome.

   The only thing I will thus far refuse to watch is 1 Man 1 Jar. Mostly because I, too, have an anus, and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I only know what it is because I have four brothers, and the one who looks the most like a goat used to describe it to me in excruciating detail.

   Let's begin...

1. Begotten
If anyone can tell me what this movie is about, please let me know. Fortunately the whole thing is right here for you to watch while high until you make sense of it. I haven't got through all of it yet. By the way, in the opening scene there is self disembowelment.

2. My Immortal.
I know, I know, I've mentioned it on here before. However, this "so good its bad" piece of literary genius is so entertaining it's worth a second mention. Basically, its fanfiction that is so bad it puts Twilight to shame. If you want a basic overview of the plot: Hogwarts, clothes clothes clothes, makeup, random spontaneous sex, all the teachers are rapists, everyone is bi, drugs drugs drugs for no reason, preps can die, goffik. Top spelling as well.


3. This video.
As requested by Dom. Hey, it's even got clips from Begotten in it, too!

4. Willy Bum Bum.
David used to sing this to me over the phone when he first started talking to me nearly two years ago. I, in turn, would hang up on him. William and David both forced me to watch this and I must say, it's probably one of the tamer things on this list.

5. Bloody Pingu Throw
Basically a Flash game involving brutally murdering penguins. The further it is thrown across the Antarctic landscape, the more points you obtain. Even Max was horrified by this game, and Max has shown me some horrific things on the internet. I find it strangely addictive.


6. Mr Hands video
I'm not going to post a link because I don't really want to look this up. You can Google it yourself. Basically it involves bestiality (receptive anal intercourse, if you want me to be specific) with a horse. The man died shortly after- for the details, here's a Cracked article. (See #4.)


7. Blue Waffles.
Click on this link here to see a lovely picture of it. Basically it's a very infected vagina. That's gone blue. Lovely. I specifically looked it up for this blog post as I'd never actually seen it before, and I honestly felt a little disappointed. I think I expected it to be far worse than it is.

8. Salad Fingers series
A lovely cartoon series by the utter(ly mad) genius of David Firth. It's quite well-known, but very disturbing. It's an 8 part series (I think a very recently added episode 9 is available on YouTube) which debuted in 2004, about a very lonely creature named Salad Fingers who enjoys the feel of rust and is probably severely mentally unwell.


9. Spoilsbury Toast Boy
More David Firth loveliness. Makes Salad Fingers look tame in comparison. Also, it's backwards running, so to watch it in the order it is designed to be watched, watch this one first, then this one, then this one. The last one gave me nightmares for a week.


10. Smiledog.jpg
   I found this on CreepyPasta (what on earth was I even doing there?) about a photo of a lovely dog who drives people to suicide after having seen it. As with all creepypastas, of course, the only way to save yourself is to forward the picture on to everyone you know. Hence, ya know. It's going on my blog. I didn't find the image itself very scary, though it did remind me a little of the music video of Black Hole Sun, which used to give me nightmares when I was little. Here's a link to what I consider the most disturbing smiledog image.


11. Un Chien Andalou
A surrealist art project from 1928. According to Tyler, who sent me the link: "It was a surrealist art project from the late 20s made to be the most shocking film around. It won." I haven't yet watched the whole thing (it's around fifteen minutes long) but I did watch the infamous scene at the start in which an eyeball is sliced open. Here's the link.

12. You're in that weird part of Reddit again, aren't you?
And by "that weird part" I mean the most known fucked up subreddits, Spacedicks and Beating Women. Sure, there are weirder things on there, but these two are infamous. While we're at it, in r/beatingwomen I discovered r/ChokeABitch. I promise they're just trollin'...

This list is to be continued in part two, with more of a "messed up porn" focus, largely from contributions from Gareth, who is probably the most perverted boy I know. Coming soon!

I would like to thank Tyler West, Carl Domigan and Dominic Ormsby for their contributions to this post. If you have become traumatised after viewing items on this list, feel free to head to http://www.babyanimalz.com/community/ and look at cute baby animals until you feel better. Probably Not Sane takes no responsibility for any mental trauma.

Instagram Quote Rebuttals

   Oh, come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about here.

More sarcastic responses here.

   What with my ability to speak fluent sarcasm and having recently discovered this site for editing photos, I decided to put off my epic blog post about my recent adventures in Auckland (although that's more because somebody managed to lose my camera when he was stupidly drunk and there's no point until I at least have photos) and just get creative instead.

   Unfortunately, due to MS Paint throwing a temper tantrum every time I try to insert text into my pictures, that's all for now folks. Sorry this has been such a non-post. My camera should be here in a few days.

New Hyperbole and a Half!

   I will admit, I haven't been checking Hyperbole and a Half for ages because it's been so long since the last post, and even I can be a bad blogger, and the longer I put off updating, the harder it gets, which is why I ended up with shitty blog posts about whores, tinsel fetishes, and Christmas in October.

   However, I decided to go back for one last nostalgic look at H&H to re-read about Kenny Loggins (a personal favourite post of mine) when, lo and behold:

   THERE IS A NEW POST AT HYPERBOLE AND A HALF!

   And it's rather eloquent. Pictures are excellent, too.

   Anyway, this is rather how I've been feeling for the past couple of months, so it gives me hope that eventually I can get through it and even, maybe, touch a spider.

   Time to draw a spider, I think.

I've named him William and given him a sophisticated top hat. YOU'RE WELCOME.

When People I Barely Know Completely Restore My Faith In Humanity

   So lately I’ve seen a lot of statuses on Facebook that… irk me somewhat. Maybe because I’m an opinionated person. But whatever. Let’s have a look at some of the culprits, shall we?

   It gets better. Here’s a status posted by a friend of mine. I’m not going to print screen it because it’s hugely long, but I’ll cut and paste. Good luck if you manage to read all of it. I’ll be honest. I only got halfway.

“Hi, Mommy.... I' m your baby. You don't know me yet, I'm only a few weeks old. You're going to find out about me soon, though, I promise. ... Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I've got beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don't have it yet, but I will when I'm born. I'm going to be your only child, and you'll call me your one and only. I'm going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we have each other. We' ll help each other, and love each other. I want to be a doctor when I grow up. You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn't wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I know it already. Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about me! ...He wasn't happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don't think that you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don't think I understand yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward , and your hands flying up to protect me . I was okay... but I was very sad for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That's a sound I don't like. It doesn't make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after, and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I'm not sure if I do. It wasn't right. You say he loves you... why would he hurt you? I don't like it, Mommy. Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and you're so proud of me ! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes, and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I' m happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart. I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love you, Mommy. Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting funny and he wasn't talking right. He said he didn't want you. I don't know why, but that's what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry, Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won't let you get hurt! I promise to protect you. Daddy is bad. I don't care if ... you think that he is a good person, I think he's bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn't want us. He doesn't like me. Why doesn't he like me, Mommy? You didn't talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay? It's been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven't talked to me or touched me or anything since that. Don't you still love me, Mommy? I still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug me with your arms , and I feel safe and warm again. Why don't you do that when you're awake, any more? I'm 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren' t you proud of me ? We're going somewhere today, and it' s somewhere new. I' m excited. It looks like a hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell you that? I hope you're as excited as I am. I can't wait. ...Mommy, I'm getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don't know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think something's going to happen soon. I'm really, really, really scared, Mommy. Please tell me you love me . Then I will feel safe again. I love you! Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop! Don't worry Mommy, I' m safe. I'm in heaven with the angels now. They told me what you did , and they said it's called an abortion. Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don' t you love me any more? Why did you get rid of me? I' m really, really, really sorry if I did something wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why don't you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care about me, and not talk to me. Didn't I love you enough? Please say you'll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don't want to be here, I want you to love me again! I' m really really really sorry if I did something wrong. I love you! I love you, Mommy. Every abortion is just… One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak. repost If you’ re against abortion. “

   Yeah. That was hard to read. Anyway, I know some people are opposed to abortion, and that’s a whole other can of worms I don’t want to open right now. So let’s deal with the first status first.

   First of all, it’s very rare that a rape is a stereotypical “opportunist stranger” case like the one in this story. In most instances of sexual assault, the rapist is generally someone known to the victim- a relative, neighbour, family friend, partner etc. Keep in mind that spousal rape has only become recognised relatively recently. So chances are, Diane would have been more likely to have been raped at her friend’s house than walking though a dark alleyway.

   There is also the religious factor.  Again, a whole other can of worms. But the implications of this are actually rather nasty- the second girl that was attacked did not pray, and we can assume that she was not a religious person. The message here is not “God will protect you” but “God will protect you but only if you follow him.”

   Rape is a horrific thing that no one deserves to go through, regardless of their spiritual beliefs.

   This is, of course, a fictional story, written to illustrate a moral, but I’m not liking the moral that I’m getting from it. The legend is also discussed here, at snopes.com.

   Which brings me to a more positive point: Facebook statuses that restore my faith in humanity. Enter Doris, a girl at my school. Although I’ve had little to do with her, we have some mutual friends, and this came up on my Facebook newsfeed.

   Doris Holzel, you made my day. Thank you.

Thankyou Kiran!

Kiran is my friend's son, and quite possibly one of the coolest kids you'll ever come across. Why is that? Well, he follows Probably Not Sane, of course. :) He's also insanely good at frisbee golf.

Kiran, there's a picture coming up for you. Thankyou.

Here's your picture.

Frisbee golf

A new follower, yay.

 Hey Nick. Welcome to the cool crowd. We have cheese.

*Hug rape*

Your picture is coming soon, I promise.

You're awesome.

xo

Edit: Here's the picture for Nick:

Jesus Blogs, Mum Blogs etc, and why I love the internet

   Sometimes when I can't think what to write about, I click on the "next blog" button to see what other bloggers are writing about. This has lead to some observations on the other types of blogs out there. There are three categories that keep popping up again and again, no matter how much I click the "next blog" button, because there appears to be a limitless supply of them. These three blog "genres" if you will, are as follows:

1. Fashion blogs
2. Jesus blogs
3. Mum blogs

   Fashion blogs, I don't mind. Fashion is a guilty pleasure for me. Yes, I sit in my pyjamas with a duvet wrapped around me when I read them, but fashion is fantastic. I like to see what other people are wearing, where the trends are going, and what ridiculous (sorry, "edgy") outfit the designers are sending down the runway next. Fashion blogs, I don't mind so much. Particularly the really snarky ones that talk about ugly trends, because at least they're enjoyable to read.

   Jesus blogs, however, are much more common. They don't make snarky comments about ugly trends. Instead they quote scripture and tell us to love thy neighbour as thyself. If you've hit a good one, that is. Unfortunately, I seem to be coming across more of them which urge us to take action against stopping gay marriages and banning condoms. I guess because sometimes it would easier to protest against those than love thy neighbour, especially when thy neighbour decides to play loud music until two in the morning (unless of course, they invite me over to join in next time, in which case it's perfectly acceptable and I will stop complaining about it.) Look, I've got nothing against Christians, or Jesus, or any of that. I believe in God. It's just that I imagine if Jesus were here today, he probably wouldn't be trying to ban condoms or same-sex marriages. He'd be with the people. My point being, I'd quite like it if any Christian bloggers out there could start a blog that isn't so hateful, because if I came across more Jesus Blogs that don't have "homosexuality is a sin!" all over them,  straight as I am, I don't really want to read hateful-ness, ok? Ok. Yay. Coming across more good Jesus blogs would really make my day. :)

   Anyway, end of that rant, on to Mum Blogs. Mum Blogs are cute. Mum Blogs are sweet. Not quite to the point where they make me want to have kids of my own because childbirth scares me, and also I'm only eighteen. And yes, Pip's having a baby at my age, but Pip's mature and responsible enough to be able to handle that. I'd find it much more difficult than she's finding it. Anyway, Mum Blogs are the blogs that are all about their children, and aren't they growing up so fast, and awwwww. It's cute. They fill a purpose, too. It's a way of sharing their kids and their lives with friends and family all over the world. Which I think is sweetbix.

   Even if blogs are filled with fashion items I'd never look good in, or hateful messages about homosexuals, or lots and lots of pictures captioned, "these are my kids. Aren't they pretty? They're prettier than yours, anyway," the best thing about the internet is that we can all choose to express our opinions in this way. We can share our lives with the world. We can say what we want. And that, too, is pretty sweetbix.

Oh the memories!

   Still having problems getting those pics up.

  Anyway, I just wanted to link to something amazing, because it truly made my (sick) day.

  The Very Hungry Caterpillar in food form.

   Feel free to thank me.

Why I feel awkward with my shameless self promotion

   Shameless self promotion is hard, because in order to do so, you have to be, well, shameless. Just because I do stupid things in public on a regular basis (unintentionally, I might add) does not mean I'm not embarrassed by them. In fact, I get embarrassed a lot. And blush. I consider it a side effect of being ginger.

For the love of god, why??

   However, if I am to succeed in my ultimate goal of being famous on the internet while leaving my clothes firmly on, it is, of course, the only way forward.

   Tell your friends. Tell your family. Aid me in my shameless self promotion. (So I feel less awkward about it, of course.)

   I'd love you for it.

THIS COULD BE YOU!

  Thankyou already to Vinesh, Jasmine, Eamon and Genevieve for following, you shall be rewarded with hugs. Virtual ones.

:hugs:

Additions to the awesome list

Jasmine, Vinesh, Genevieve, thankyou. You are officially awesome too.

Cool people follow my blog. Other people just ignore it. :)

I have a follower!

   Eamon, thank you. I now officially have my first follower, and I didn't even have to hold a gun to his head. I am eternally grateful.

To the terrifying point of hug rape. Poor Eamon.

   I am now going to declare that Eamon is "awesome". If you want to be awesome too, then feel free to follow this blog. I promise I won't hug rape you. But I will call you awesome. And everyone wins, because that way we both get a self esteem boost.

Mandatory Sex Party

   This is for you, Allie Brosh at Hyperbole and a Half.

   So basically, she wants to popularise the phrase mandatory sex party, and until it is found on a number of sources on the internet, it is not officially a new phrase, and she will not be able to make a Wikipedia page about it. Support the cause!

   For further information, click here for Allie's post on it at her blog, Hyperbole and a Half, in which she explains what a mandatory sex party is and why we should popularise the phrase.

"Okay, so I think a mandatory sex party is a party where once you walk in the door, you are obligated to have sex. I would think that these parties often disguise themselves as costume parties or birthday parties or baby showers but THEN as soon as they entice people in the door, they are all "guess what this actually is? It's a mandatory sex party, bitch!"



And then the raping would commence.



It's just a rough definition... "