Things My Mother has Said Today Which Make me Wonder if She is Ok

   I love my mother dearly. She is intelligent and witty and really nice (if she likes you.) But sometimes she has days where she says the strangest things. Today, for example.


1. "No, there is East Germany and West Germany, they are two separate countries.

Germany has been a single country for over twenty years.

2. "So what is the difference between LSD and meth, anyway?

on a similar note:

"I don't think I've ever met anyone who has tried cannabis."

You lived in Queenstown during the seventies. You probably have.

3. "So America has Republicans and Democrats, and one is right wing and one is left wing, right?"

Yes! She gets it!

"And Obama is right wing, so he must be a Democrat."

So close.

4. "The hippies never had much of a drug culture. They were too busy having free love to have time to try drugs."

This is the closest to an accurate statement she has made today. That and "I saved you some pizza because I thought you would be hungry."

5. "I don't think there's ever any reason for anyone to get divorced. Oh god, you're father's put the dishes away wrongly again, I swear one of these days I'll get a divorce..."

Abuse, cheating... and putting away the dishes incorrectly. I'll keep it mind for future relationships.

6. "Are you addicted to P?" (Ice, crystal meth, whatever you prefer to call it.)

The strongest stimulant I have ever tried is caffeine. So no, not a raging P addict. Sorry mum.

7. "What are you addicted to?"

Ok mum, I'm sorry. I should have told you this before. I'm totally addicted to cheese. And maybe Reddit.


   Hopefully she will be better after a nap.

(For all those concerned, I'm not sure where this addiction obsession has originated. Maybe she heard something about addictive personalities on the radio. Maybe she read an article in the Listener. Who knows. She went through this phase a few years ago where she was convinced I had coeliacs disease, and that was less than pleasant.)

A Quick Adoption Update

   So I've recently had the best week in Dunedin.

Even though I was ill most of the time.

   Anyway, seeing as whenever I get serious on this blog, I'm talking about adoption, I thought I'd update you on some cool things that have happened as far as having more contact with my birthfamily goes.

   I've made progress.

   My birthmother and I are now on talking terms- I went to see my little brother and her and I just started hanging out and talking. It was fantastic. It makes me really grateful for the fact that I'm able to have contact with my birthfamily because even if it took time, things are starting to get better. I think that's definitely the lesson to take away from what I've learnt with having contact with my birthfamily, especially now most of them are taking more of an interest in my life. It hasn't always been this way, but persistence has helped. Don't give up, yo. Anything's possible.

   Also ended up hanging out with my birthfather and my little brother Kaleb on the same day that I saw my mother. I'd felt a little guilty for not having spent as much time with Kaleb as I had with my other brothers but we made up for lost time and did some finger painting together and he got me to help him paint his face.

Not quite sure what the look he was going for here was.

   And finally, one evening while hanging out in the gardens with Scott and waiting for a friend, we met some people who knew William. This isn't surprising because its Dunedin and as it turns out everyone knows my brother, but these people knew him enthusiastically. One of them used to be his flatmate, who I remember meeting briefly. He gave me skittles to cheer me up because I'd been dumped that morning. His friend was far far more excited about meeting Will's sister though because she thought he was amazing and by extension, I am amazing too and we were super best friends.

Super duper best friends

   Though he's not a role model in many regards, I can't ever hope to be as sociable or respected as William, it was pretty cool hearing people go on (and on) about how he is amazing and has done so much for them. Also I like skittles.

   Anyway, gaining more of a family has been fantastic and I'm in a pretty good mood as a result.

   Y'all should give your mums a hug from Bellez.

Positive Lists

   When I was thirteen, I hated the school I went to, so my parents decided to send me to boarding school. It turns out I didn't like that much either.Within about five minutes of my parents leaving me at the hostel there, I'd already started scoping out some escape routes even though I was in an unfamiliar town where I knew nobody. I was a damn determined schoolgirl and no one was going to keep me hostage in a hostel!

   Except I never had the guts to run away that night.

   Anyway, to put me in a better state of mind and to distract me from my constant plotting of escape plans, one of the matrons at the hostel suggested I make a list of all the positive things in my life. Back then, they were a bit boring. Here's an example:

1. When we have banoffee pie for dessert.
   To be fair, I had a friend there who was allergic to bananas, so I'd always get her share.

27. Making positive lists.
   I was clearly running out of ideas by this stage.

28. Running away.
   This kind of defeated the purpose.


   Six years later, I thought it was an appropriate time to write an updated version.

1. Banoffee pie, still. It is delicious.

2. The Adam Lambert song, "Sleepwalker." Firstly because he's more fabulous than you'll ever be. Secondly because I love singing the chorus very loudly and changing the lyrics somewhat.

And he's still more fabulous than you.

3. Moustaches.

4. Bitching about ugly dresses!

5. Bitching in general. I'm a terrible person.

6. MS Paint pictures. (I know, I know, it's been a while.) Here's a hipster girl who had her hands amputated.

Hands are hard to draw, plus it cut off a bit at her legs. Let's say she has a boyfriend with an amputation fetish.

7. Browsing Reddit in my underwear, because it's basically internet crack.

8. Having sufficient heating to allow me to browse Reddit in my underwear despite the fact that I live in the south island and it is winter. I WILL SURVIVE.

9. SO MANY RATS!

10. Cheese

11. This baby sugar glider.

12. Fairylights

They are in this photo (at the top.) Also my new purchases mean my rat boys are no longer allowed on my bed, so they do not see this as a positive at all.

13. Mr Bearington and the Xtreme Coffee and Travel Mug set

14. The use of Xtreme to describe anything even though its not the nineties anymore and we don't need mountain bikes and surfboards and sunglasses to make us want to buy soft drinks.

15. I once had an "xtreme bible" which was in fluorescent colours to appeal to the youth. It looked pretty on my bookshelf.

16. Whiskey.

17. Getting new warm socks. I did a shopping trip recently, and socks and fairylights were the things I was most excited about getting. My tootsies are so warm and cozy during this southern winter, I'm stoked!

 18. The fact that Scott and his sister and I have recorded part one of our dramatic reading of My Immortal. Just waiting for it to be sent to me and I am yet to figure out how to put it on here but it will happen!


   I think eighteen items makes a pretty legit positive list. Good job Bellez, you have every reason to be happy.

A Thought I Had at Two in the Morning

   You know how people advise you not to look at yourself in the mirror when you're on hallucinogens as it may freak you out? I feel the same way about my pets. Seriously. I think if I were ever to do that, I couldn't look at my rats.

   Why? Well, occasionally when I'm watching them play, one of them will look me in the eye, and for a split second, I feel as if I'm looking into the soul of another human being. I know it's bizarre and it makes no sense whatsoever. That's cool. But then I start thinking. What if my rats were able to comprehend things like a person? What would they think of the silly names I call them, or that I lock them in a cage every night? Would they be humiliated about the time I made them dance to Lady Gaga? Sure, they're loved and well cared for and I play with them and feed them and make sure they have water and clean their cage almost daily even though that is my least favourite activity. But I still wonder if my pets love me as much as I love them.

   They didn't seem to enjoy Lady Gaga as much as they seemed to like The Prodigy and Nirvana. I wonder if they can tell the music, even individual songs, apart or if it all just sounds the same to them and they classify it all as "loud, human related noise."

   I'd never tell them that they enjoyed Deadmau5 though. I reckon that would be the biggest shock of their little lives. Well, that and the day that I tell them they're adopted.

Look at their little faces! How could I drop a bombshell like that on them? Yes, I'm aware that makes me a hypocrite. So what?

   I'm sorry this got so mum-blog on you. "LOOK AT MY KIDS. AREN'T THEY SO SPECIAL AND BEAUTIFUL! BEING A MUM IS SO HARD BUT IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD!!!!!!111"

   I promise I will never have human children of my own. Or if I do, I won't subject them to this. It's ok. The rats can't read.

The Probably Not Sane Guide to Breakups

   Well, this is cool. I'm single. Awesome. Fabulous.

   So I thought it would be rather timely that I wrote some advice on how best to cope with the situation of being dumped. Because as you can clearly see from these photographs, I dealt with the situation like a mature, responsible adult.

So Janelle and I took some interesting pictures with a frog statue in a playground. That's how adults deal with things, right?

   So you should know that I am definitely the person to go to for all your relationship advice, as further evidenced here and here.

   So what you want to know is: what are the best ways for you to deal with the fact that you're single, unattractive and unlovable, and destined to die alone? Well, look no further.

   Some people may advise that you sing Adele terribly to your fifteen cats in order to get over your inability to form meaningful relationships and make them last. I would be inclined to disagree, mostly because I do not like cats (shock horror, a person on the internet that doesn't like cats!) nor am I a fan of Adele. Others may suggest drinking yourself to death in order to forget your problems, but both my liver, and concerned readers would be appalled that I would offer such disgusting and irresponsible advice. So please, disregard these ideas. There are better ways to cope.

1. Write terrible poetry


   This also allows you to explore your creative side. While not strictly about a breakup of my own, I dealt with my problems by writing this beautiful piece dedicated to somebody's ex girlfriend. It wasn't my proudest moment.

Well I'll be honest

I've heard all about you

And he tells me

I'm far more attractive than you

Thing is, you're rubbish in bed

And messed up in the head

And that's why he still will not talk to you

Sad thing is, I used to be like you

So naive, I'd believe

That there was nothing for me to do

The world's a sad place

When the world hates your face

But at least I wear it much better than you do

No hard feelings, I see you've moved on

But I really don't want to get along

Your new boyfriend's a prick

Bet he's got a small dick

And he can't even go at it that long

   I told you I write quality poetry. That, however, is not an example of it.

2. Junk food diet

   Why? Because it's a complete stereotype of how women are supposed to cope with breakups, by drowning themselves in tubs of ice cream. (Chocolate is my preferred flavour.) However yet again, I encourage you to embrace creativity. Don't just stuff yourself with chocolate icecream. Incorporate every fat and calorie laden food into it. Personally, I think the combination of chocolate, ice cream, bacon, pastry, whipped cream and whiskey belong together in order to stave off the loneliness. 

Bonus tip: You don't even need to get fat(ter)! Exercise is a well known way to boost your mood. So pass me another bowl of chocolately goodness. 

3. Shop for stupid, unnecessary shit

   Again, this is another stereotype of something people like to do to fill the empty void in their lives. Which is fantastic, because in this economic climate, somebody has to be spending, or we're all screwed. That can be your excuse after you've purchased this:

Hey, it could be useful for when you insist on singing Adele terribly to get over your miserable life.

4. Build a bridge and get over it.

   NO.

   This is a stupid piece of advice, and to the next person who suggests it, I hope you walk into a swarm of angry bees. Yes, life goes on, and eventually you get over these things. In your own time. I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to just be over it and happy in a matter of minutes.

   In saying that though, I did have a lovely time in Auckland now I was newly single.

I may be single and unloved, but when your brother's a bartender, life's still pretty sweet.

Mother's Day Special

   Look, I don't generally do mother's day. Longtime readers of my blog will know this is because I'm adopted and well. It's awkward. I appreciate the people who have brought me up, but I don't feel comfortable calling them "parents" as such. I don't really know what to call them. Someone suggested "caregivers" but, as my lovely adoptive mother said, "I don't give and I don't care."

   I love her. Really.

   For that reason, I thought I'd do a lovely mother's day post about her.

Here she is! And me,  of course.

   I also thought I'd share a lovely story about her from the other day.

   We have had a problem lately with the plug for the kitchen sink. You know that little metal ring at the top that assists in the removal of the plug? Well, it had snapped clean off, and every time one of us went to wash the dishes, It would take about half an hour of persistence and swearing to get the plug back out again.

   Time for a shopping trip at Mitre 10.

   Now, as a pensioner, Liz has a gold card, which allows her to get free bus rides between 9am and 3pm. This is very convenient as it requires two buses to get to where Mitre 10 is, and being Queenstown, none of these come cheap. This becomes a crucial fact later on.

   She had purchased a plug which she assumed would fit the sink, however, she wanted to get back home, test it to make sure it would fit, then leave enough time to bus back to Mitre 10 should a replacement be required, all before 3pm so she wouldn't have to pay for the bus, because if I were to describe her in a single word, I would choose "economical." Being economical, she had also decided to do some grocery shopping while she was there because the supermarket near Mitre 10 had cheaper prices than the one closer to where we live.

   This was how my adoptive mother ended up in the carpark with a shopping trolley she was about to return when she saw the bus coming. Realising that she had to catch this bus in order to make it home in time, she ran towards it, taking the shopping trolley with her. I cannot tell you why she still had the trolley or what she planned to do with it once she reached the bus, but I can tell you that she would rather die than be one of those people that do not return the trolley to its allocated area of the carpark. Perhaps she would have tried to hold the bus while she went to return it. I do not know.

   Her rather hastily thought out plan involved taking one of those wheelchair ramps (as opposed to the stairs, as she still has this massive shopping trolley with her at this stage) towards the bus stop. Sprinting. Anyway, she was there. She had made it, just as the bus arrived. Or would have, had she not tripped on the curb.

   I don't know how much the average shopping trolley weighs, but it all fell down on top of her.

   One would suspect this situation was bad enough. There would be the pain, the humiliation, and still the possibility of missing the bus. But she had not suffered enough yet, it seemed, because she discovered that she was in fact trapped underneath the upturned trolley, and required assistance to get out.

   My readers, you will be relieved to know that after this, she made it home safely to test the plug.

   It appeared to fit correctly, but upon testing in a sink full of water, we found a leak, so it may yet require a second trip to Mitre 10. No trolleys this time though. Poor woman.

Putting the "troll" in "shopping trolley."

RIP Mark

RIP Mark Buckley

24/10/95 - 08/05/12

   I met Mark through some mutual friends in Dunedin- he went to the same high school as my little brothers, was in the same year as many of my friends. Although not universally liked, he was definitely well known, and the news of his death affected everyone that knew him.

   In fact, I'm nothing but impressed by the sincerity and maturity shown by his classmates and friends.

"I'm sorry for the shit I gave him. He wasn't that bad of a guy, we just didn't see things the same way at times. But he will be missed." said Jordan Stocks, who went to school with Buckley.

"It's a tragedy, he may not have been the most liked guy around, but it's still an awful thing, there should still be a level of respect that people have to abide by, not laugh and joke about it as if it's nothing. He was still a person, it's still a human life, and he will be missed by his family and friends. He was still a student of OBHS, [Otago Boys High School] some people need to step up," said Joe Dickinson, another fellow student.


   Mark was killed in a car crash last night. Although I will not go into the full details here, this article is available.

   I offer my condolences to his friends and family. RIP Mark, you will be missed.

   To share your own messages of support, please leave a post at RIP Mark Buckley.

I'm back!

   It's been a long time, hasn't it?

   I was thinking, briefly, of ending this blog on a high note. Leave it at a hundred posts, quit writing forever. It was becoming quite a chore at times and I wasn't doing it because I enjoyed it, but rather because getting it done makes me feel less of a lazy slob. But then I realised that the most recent thing I'd written was a song requested by my brother's friend (about threesomes, no less) and it was dreadful. I didn't want that to be my writing legacy. That's just embarrassing. I mean, I've been working on what could be a novel, but even that was feeling tedious lately.

   Everything was a chore.

   Oh, and then Scott got me a couple of pet rats and parenthood is time consuming.

Meet my babies, Carl Sagan and Kurt Cobain. Your children will never be as cute as mine.

   Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive, even if I spent last night watching Lion King over and over while cuddling with my rats and sobbing. I'm fine, its just that it will always be sad when Mufasa dies.

   Anyway, to compensate for this, here's a clip from Walk On The Wild Side.

   Bellez loves you. Quality content to come soon!

Post 100!

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Just some cool stuff in the internet that I've enjoyed lately

   I'm writing this now (1:25pm, 22nd February) because there's some stuff I want to contribute, but you know I'll probably put off posting it until post #100 is done. Because, as you may have guessed from post #97, I'm damn excited about post #100. And cool stuff is still happening on the internet, (as ever) so I just thought I'd share a few things with you.

   First of all, this post on parody website Christwire (essentially a Christian version of the satire news site, The Onion) about Skrillex, describing him as both a "homosexual satan wasp" and a "Gothic icon and lesbian fashionista." In a recent letter to Dom, who first brought this to my attention, I attempted to make an illustration to sum up the entire "article". As the writing in the original version is too small for it to show up clearly on this blog, I have attempted to recreate this for you in MS Paint.

I'd like to think my wasp drawing skills have improved since this monstrosity.

   You know why I love this so much? Because Skrillex is my guilty pleasure. Say what you want about his music, or whether or not you think it even qualifies as music. I could not give a damn. He's pocket sized, he's enthusiastic, and he's even partied with my brother, which makes him pretty top in my opinion. Also, this:

OTHER COOL SHIT:

Spank the Monkey. I'm not very mature. Yes, I know it's old. Who cares. For those who haven't discovered this wildly inappropriately named game, it's a flash game hosted on albinoblacksheep.com.

As for what I've been up to on Reddit... other than discovering the aforementioned Skrillex post, I've also come across this little subreddit yesterday: r/toosoon. A bit tasteless for some, but have a look anyway if you're interested.

Over the past day or so I've also been rereading some old Hyperbole and a Half posts. I talk about this blog a lot on here, so I'll just link to one of my favourite old, underrated posts.

Also, while I was on Ablino Black Sheep earlier playing Spank the Monkey, I rewatched this Cyanide and Happiness short. Be sure to watch after the credits, there's a nice little surprise.

SMALL UPDATE: Fuck it, I'm posting this anyway. I spent so long drawing that picture of the homosexual satan wasp in MS Paint that I decided I wanted to show off about it.

Updates, plus upcoming: Post #100!

   Holy wow, readers. I've just realised that we're almost at an important milestone in the life of Probably Not Sane. This is post #97. That means we're almost at post #100. And I feel I ought to do something special. But I'm not quite sure what. I originally thought of linking to all the more quality posts I've created in the last year and a half, but then I figured, that's shit. Why would I do that to you guys? That's not even new content or anything. I needed some better ideas.

   I then outsourced idea-production to my friends, because I was all but ready to give up. This is an appropriate time for some Facebook self promotion.

   Yes, there is a page on Facebook for Probably Not Sane that you can like, if you so desire. 19 people have liked it already. Here's the link.

   If you prefer your Probably Not Sane on Facebook experiences to be more interactive, I also have a group, Fans of Probably Not Sane. It's a public group, so if you want to contribute, all you have to do is request to join, and I promise I'll let you, unless you are actively stalking me and planning to murder me. Even then I will probably accept you anyway.

   The reason I am bringing this up is because I want the readers to have a say in what I do for such momentous occasions for this. Thus far I have had the following suggestions:

• An audio recording of a dramatic reading of My Immortal. (I'm already planning to do this, but would prefer to do it with friends, notably Scott and Dom, to have a greater variety of voices for the different "characters." Rest assured this will most likely happen, but not by post #100. Seriously, that fanfic is nearly fifty chapters long.)
• A guest post. I briefly considered this, possibly getting Dom onboard, because I think he's probably a better writer than I am. I've since changed my mind on the idea of a guest post for this, but I still would like a contribution. Also, remember last guest post, when Gareth wrote about weird porn? Yeah, I'm a little cautious about doing that again. He didn't even provide any links, and I wasn't too keen to go hunting for them myself.
• Something awesome. Well, that's kinda the point, but thanks. :)

   Also, as you may have noticed from the Facebook pages, Probably Not Sane has a new temporary logo, consisting mostly of some of my favourite pictures I've had on this blog. I'd like to incorporate it somewhere on this page, but the background is already a mess and I want to change that first. I have a lot of improvements I want to make to this blog, so hopefully you should see all that change soon. Also, the logo was done in a rush. I might make an improved version. I probably should, I mean look at this.

I feel like I used to do a better job with MS Paint :/

   Anyway, I've got just a few more pieces of news for you.

1. I've got a big trip coming up. I'm going to Dunedin in the next week or so because my brother's down from Auckland and I really want to see him again. After that I'm heading to Christchurch, then Nelson for a cousin's wedding, then back down south via the west coast. Hopefully some adventures will happen so I'll have more material for my blog.

2. I think I promised a possible ongoing fiction series to be added to here. I'll admit, I'm kinda working on that, but the main story I'm writing at the moment is vaguely based on William's life, and I won't even let him read it yet, and I happen to know he stalks my blog. (Hey William, nice to see you again, and oh, I'm baking you some brownies right now. Hopefully this time I get them to you before my mum gets into them again. Love you.) Also, by based on William's life, I mean very, very loosely based. I don't want people to read it and get all offended or anything. I've mostly just made shit up. So yeah, I'm going to need to start on a new story if I am to upload it to here. But what do you guys think about the possibility of an ongoing fiction series?

   Anyway, I'm sorry this was more informative than entertaining, but if you'll excuse me, I'm going to record part one of my dramatic reading of My Immortal.


   Leave a comment or contact me through the pages listed above if you have any feedback/criticism/ideas. I really want to make this awesome for you all. Thanks to everyone who's stuck by me for the past 97 posts. I'm so grateful.

Bellez gets all fashion blog on you

   So I'm not going to pretend I'm the most fashion conscious person on blogger. I mean, hey, you remember this, right? Though to be honest, I got all self conscious before my Skype date with Dom and got all pretty instead. I almost feel like I've betrayed my readers. At least he was happy.

If it makes you feel any better, I still was wearing my leopard pants.

   However, there are a few trends that I honestly don't understand. One of these used to be drop-crotch pants. Seriously, no one wants to look like they're sagging in the crotch region, or wearing a diaper. Or whatever. And then what happened? This happened.

Note the crotch around my knees.

   I got a pair of leopard print drop crotch pants and now feel the need to defend myself.

   First of all, I have not yet worn these in public, but mostly in the privacy of my own home. Secondly, they are comfortable. I'll be honest, in that photo, they look like pyjamas, and I have used them as such. In reality, they're more fitted around the waist, making my hips look large, but my waist comparatively tiny. Which is good. Thirdly, they are made from a soft, flowy fabric. I still have a hate for fitted drop crotch pants made from denim. All the unflattering implications of a drop crotch, none of the comfort.

   So I have chosen to focus on other trends I dislike, with the help of the wonderful website, Polyvore.

   First of all, I want to talk about mullets. Not the awful hairstyles, though I have noticed some people getting this haircut "ironically." (In that case, I'm going to ironically sit around in my pyjamas and eat cake all day, because that's also unattractive. Right?) No, I'm talking about the mullet hemline, or, as the shops selling you this gaff would prefer to call it, asymmetrical hemline. Here's an example I made of the best and worst of mullet hemlines.

   In the interests of keeping an open mind, some of these examples are almost wearable. I think the red one in the top row would look pretty cool if you were dancing, and the rest are flowy enough that they almost (almost) look pretty in a floaty, dreamy sort of way. But then I remember that I live in the south island and the sort of skirts that are floaty and dreamy can only be worn for approximately two weeks of the year in which the weather is warm enough. Call me biased. The three dresses in the middle row are all unflattering shapes to begin with before they got mulleted. Look at that grey thing. It's a glorified hessian sack. In grey. The dress at the end isn't strictly a mullet dress, but the hemline isn't symmetrical so there is that. I guess all I can say about mullet hemlines is that I'm probably just envious of people living in a warmer climate.

   And no, Auckland does not count as "warmer."

   Now, let's talk hair. Hair is the bane of my life. I have a lot of it. It's thick, it's long, and it's coarse, so it tangles easily. Thank god for conditioner and hair straightners. It's also made me paranoid about my hair always looking messy. For a long time, I tolerated the trend of the messy bun. Mostly because that's all my hair would ever be should I try to put it in a bun. But not the trend has moved on to ballet top knots and big ass buns and it must be stopped now. You know who suit ballerina top knots? BALLERINAS. If you are not a ballerina, please stop. It's doing your face little favours. Again, an example.

You don't have to do this to yourself!

   There are so many wonderful hair trends right now! We don't have to resort to the top knot! Heck, we don't even have to resort to the messy bun if you don't want to. Look at this beautiful example of better things you can do with your hair.

No top knots. Please. This is simple. Beautiful. Effortless looking, even if its a little less effortless to do, mostly because I am not gifted with a talent for using bobby pins and hair spray correctly.

Well this was my simplified attempt at the stylish hair the redhead above has. I told you I'm not gifted. AT LEAST IT'S NOT A TOP KNOT.

    Even a hat. A headband. Anything but the dreaded topknot.


   Finally, to end on a positive note, a fashion trend that I love in this horribly cold part of the world. After all, I still intend to move to Dunedin, where the rain is horizontal. SWEATERS! I'm not talking about the flimsy, super thin, knitted, trendy pieces of garbage you'll find at your local Dotti or Jay Jays here. I've got t shirts more substantial than those. That's all very well for people in warmer climates wanting to do a layered look without sweating to death. There's no fear of sweating to death in Dunedin in the winter. Layering is essential to prevent death-by-hypothermia. I'm talking grandma-knitted-it style, thick, warm sweaters. Like this.

   Add some long johns, thick pants, gumboots, hat, scarf, gloves, mega thick trench coat and a sturdy umbrella and I could almost survive a Dunedin winter. Indoors.

Distances and Times

   So this is probably the last "Valentines Day special" post I'll write for this year, I promise. I just thought what with all the whining about being alone for the day it would be nice to actually do something romantic, so I thought I'd put up some lyrics I wrote for Dom.


   Happy Valentines Day, darling.

Distances and Times

I haven't calculated distances and times

Only costs of flights

It makes me smile to think that you are mine

But I'm afraid to see you beneath the lights

I think that you're needing me

As much as I've ever needed you

It's just another night of falling asleep alone

Even when my bed is built for two

Another morning waking up without you

My window shows another view

It's just another day of trying to stay busy

To keep it from my mind

The only thing that gives me hope with this kind of existence

Is knowing that, somewhere, you are mine

I can't see the rooms you now belong in

All I can see is rain

I can't see much yet beyond my longing

So I figure it must be worth the pain

I think that you're needing me

As much as I've ever needed you

It's just another night of falling asleep alone

Even when my bed is built for two

Another morning waking up without you

My window shows another view

It's just another day of trying to stay busy

To keep it from my mind

The only thing that gives me hope with this kind of existence

Is knowing that, somewhere, you are mine

Valentine's Day 2012 Part 2: Expectations vs Reality

   The internet has let me down already. I keep coming across sites telling me what I should and should not be wearing tomorrow for my "hot Valentines date."

   You know what I'm planning to wear on my hot date with the internet? These babies.

Yes, they have a drop crotch, in case my genitals needed a cool breeze.

   These are a recent purchase from my favourite store in all the world, Yaks and Yetis. Well, the clearance store, to be exact. Yes, they look a little like pyjamas. Yes, I high ride them on my waist and tend to tuck my shirt into them. Yes, they are leopard print. Yes, they make my hips look huge. On the other hand, they make my waist look tiny, my thighs feel free, and they're the most comfortable pants in the world. I'll probably combine them with a baggy and probably filthy tshirt, and wrap myself in a duvet, completing the fashion forward look.

   That, however, is not what all the fashion blogs suggest I do.

   Even Reddit is no longer immune. Here are some examples: 1, 2, 3.

   And when I Googled it, well... Here ya go.

   So I decided to use Polyvore to compare Valentines Day according to the fashion blogs to Valentines day in reality for all the single people/people in long distance relationships/people who couldn't give a damn.

Expectations:

Reality:

According to Polyvore, that tshirt cost $129. I'll have you know mine was free. My little brother gave it to me.

Less than Romantic: Valentines Day 2012

   Do y'all remember last year's Valentines Day post? I hope so, it was one of my crowning achievements on this blog. Last year was also the first time I'd ever celebrated Valentine's Day properly. I baked my boyfriend a pavlova (which is not easy, I had bigger arm muscles than he did by the end of it) and we had a lovely romantic time. Also he read the post and not only made me a handmade card with a stick figure and a heart but he even drew Pak 'n' Save man for me. He's not very creative but at least he read my blog.

   Anyway, he's about to move to Canada to be with some girl he met there (I didn't like to ask the details. I bet she wouldn't bake him a pavlova though) and the guy I'm seeing at the moment is in Auckland so I'm feeling even more cynical about the holiday this year.

   Cue the snarky blog post.

   So this year, I decided to write about bad Valentines Day ideas. You know how all the other blog posts will be giving you fun tips about date ideas? Unless of course you're reading Cracked.com's analysis of poor romantic advice. Well guess what? I'm going to be by myself on Valentines Day and I couldn't give a fat rat's ass if someone cuts my sandwiches into heart shapes. In fact, I'm going to struggle to resist the temptation to bitch at smug couples grinding all up on one another in public because dammit, it's Valentines Day and they're "in love." So I decided instead to create a list of every sickening thing smug couples will be doing tomorrow that will not only get on my nerves, but ultimately prove to not be that romantic at ALL.

1. Really poorly edited photos of the happy couple

   It's bad enough that these unflattering tributes to true love are created. But the best bit is when they're posted all over Facebook so everyone can see just how darn in love they are. I think I'll be retreating to Reddit tomorrow. Now, because I love my readers dearly and couldn't get through this without providing an example, I made this on FotoFlexer.

OH GOD DOM I AM SO SORRY FOR THIS

2. Excessive PDAs

   I'm not averse to a public display of affection or two, depending on the context. In fact, it can be downright beautiful. However, some guidelines:

• For the love of god and all that is holy, if you have sex in public, please do not let me see you. I'm slowly running out of eyeball bleach, and I kinda want to save it for the important things. Like this ugly dress.
• Please do not force PDAs on your partner. It's awkward to watch.
• Please do not become a traffic hazard while performing a public display of affection.
• Please do not get offended by anyone telling you to "get a room." They are likely also alone for Valentines Day.

3. What's as bad as flashing your genitals in public? Flashing your money.

   Please. This is a Valentines Day date. This is not your wedding. Do not hire a helicopter. Or a horse-drawn carriage. Even if you can afford it. (Though seriously, who can in this economic climate?)


4. Do not feel sorry for me

   Yes I'll be spending my Valentines Day alone. I might get a skype date with Dom, I might go hang out with my other lonely friends. I might stuff my face with cake. Who cares. Just don't try to rub it in my face how terrible it must be for me to spend it by myself. Cake is delicious, and Reddit is the only hot date I need (or can get) this February 14th.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

Fucked up Stuff on the Internet Part II- Weird Porn Edition

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Bellez experiences technical difficulties

   Mostly, the laptop's fucked. This is a shame as I was going to write a lovely detailed blog post about Summer Gathering but I'm putting it off until I get my laptop fixed. And I'm  not sure when that will be. The screen's had it, and needs replacing, which could work out cheaper than getting a new laptop.  And I'm poor.

Please donate!

So I've temporarily borrowed my dad's laptop (with no internet access, so its off to an internet cafe later) to type this and do the lovely pictures (see above) because I decided I need to blog more this year, and I'm not going to let a silly thing like no technology stop me. 

   So what have we got coming up in 2012 once technical difficuties are resolved?

Summer Gathering 2012- it was fabulous, and I have a lot to write about

Further bitchy poetry- huzzah!

A how-to guide- or how not-to, rather

Part two of my comprehensive list of fucked up shit on the internet- this time with a messed up porn theme (cheers Gareth McMullen for doing the  research for me, I wasn't looking forward to doing it myself.)

More contextless MS Paint pictures

A possible ongoing fiction series- no promises though

Products nobody needs

Terrible life lessons I've learnt from my childhood

Keep in mind these are all just ideas, and I'm open to suggestions from my readers. Also I've somehow managed to con Dom into doing some co-writing with me on here. And it should be interesting, to say the least.

Happy 2012!