2011 Overview

   First of all, I'm very sorry I haven't blogged in ages. I do remember I was meant to do a Christmas special for you all, about a traumatic childhood incident which involved a Christmas decoration which unintentionally resembled an attempted suicide, but then I had to cook for my family and I spent a majority of the time putting the "merry" into Merry Christmas, so it did not eventuate.

   I also wanted to do a thing at the end of every year to sum up the events of the previous year, but then I got distracted by a new year's eve party. Here's a picture of me looking pretty in a dress beforehand to make up for the delayed content.

Actually it's me and Hannah, because here at Probably not Sane we like to give the reader value for money. Except for the money bit. I'm a bit broke at the moment.

 
   Anyway, delayed or not, here's my overview for the events of 2011.

• We occupied and protested everything.

 
   This started with the revolutions throughout the middle east and is currently ongoing with the Occupy movement, which is protesting against corporate greed. Although it started as Occupy Wall Street, it has since spread globally, as far south as Occupy the Octogon in Dunedin. It has led to a cringeworthy amount of jokes using the phrases "occupy"- ("Hey babe, can you occupy the kitchen and make me a sandwich?") "1%" and "99%", but it has also changed people's attitudes and opinions around these issues. I don't think that this was just a 2011 fad that will lose popularity this year. The movement is strong, has a lot of support, and there are a lot of people willing to continue protesting. As an aside, here's a lovely picture of some cool people I met at Occupy Auckland. We temporarily acquired a rat from them.

• The bad guy is killed and a prince marries a commoner, temporarily turning the world into a Disney movie.

   Almost ten years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Osama Bin Laden was finally found and killed this year. Well, unless you listen to the conspiracy theorists, but that's something else together. In other news, the royal wedding was, if the hype was to be believed, the event of the year. Certainly the tabloids had a field day. I admit, I wasn't going to watch it live, but Jordan was staying at mine that night and asked if we could. We spent a majority of the evening checking out Pippa Middleton's very lovely backside, as did the rest of the world, apparently.

• Natural disasters

   There was the devasting Japanese earthquake and subsequent tsunami and, a little closer to home, Christchurch, already damaged  from the September 2010 quakes, was hit again in February, this time sadly taking lives. Aftershocks are ongoing, including a particularly bad one just before Christmas.

• In more positive news...

   We won the Rugby World Cup again, at last, which was something of a relief as Pharmac would probably not be able to fund enough antidepressants for the entire country had we lost the final to France. In contrast to this, the fact that we hosted the event put New Zealand into party mood, and people were even celebrating and happy in Dunedin, of all places.

This photo could  be biased journalism, however, as although he is happy, he clearly isn't even from Dunedin, but is in fact from Argentina.

• Bellez learnt that it is hard to sustain a quality blog and have an active social life.

   Which may explain some of my more mediocre and/or downright appalling (see: Christmas in October) posts this year. On the other hand I wrote some posts that I am extremely proud of, so there is also that.

• The Foo Fighters played an absolutely amazing show in Auckland this year.

   Actually, they played two shows, and if the second one, which I attended, in the rain nonetheless, was anything to go by, the first was pretty badass too. The crowd was huge- around 50 000 people, which Dom thought looked pretty cool from where we were sitting on a muddy slope. (Having paid for myself, Dom and William, I could sadly only afford the cheaper tickets. But it was so worth it that I didn't care.) The show was probably one of the best concerts I'm likely to ever go to, and the next day in town I bumped into the drummer, Taylor Hawkins, while crossing a street, which is the most fangirl moment I've ever had. Here's a photo Dom tried to take of the crowd and the stage, but by then it was so dark you can't see very much. 

• I finally got back in contact with my brother.

   After about two and a half years, I finally heard from my older brother William, and I spent a lot of time this year staying with him in Dunedin until he moved to Auckland in late September- though I made sure I spent plenty of time with him again when I went up in December. If I could pick a predominant memory of 2011, it would probably have to be bussing between Queenstown and Dunedin because it feels like I pretty much did that all year. I am so grateful to be back in contact with him and I think its cool that we can talk and get along well even after so long. My brother is the shiz.

   Anyway, that's how 2011 panned out for me, and again I apologise for the delay, but here's to happy blogging in 2012.

Probably not Sane would like to wish you a happy and prosperous New Year, despite the fact that the economy's fucked and so are we.

How to Write the Lyrics to a Generic Pop Song

1. Open your dictionary.

This one.

2. Pick a suitable word, nouns work best. The word I chose was liquor. This will form the basis of your chorus. It will also be the title of the song. The last lines of the chorus will be as follows:

It's like [insert word here]
It's like [insert word here]


Repeat as many times as you think is necessary for the word to stick in the listener's head, thus encouraging them to remember the name of the song, and buy it on iTunes or whatever the kiddies are doing these days.


3. Find some cliche expressions and puns to do with your chosen word. This should cover the verses. Make sure to throw in some double entendres for sex appeal.

4. Now it's time to write a bridge. You don't need lyrics for this. The easiest way to do this is just some "Oh, oh yeah"s and various other vocalisations.

5. Ladies: take a tasteful artsy topless photo of yourself for the song's promotional purposes.
   Gentlemen: take a tasteful artsy topless photo of a female for the song's promotional purposes.

6. Record.

7. ???

8. Profit.

For example:

Liquor
Liquor? Please.
I hardly even know her
The room's still spinning
And I dread to think of the hangover


Pour another drink
And let's toast the good times


CHORUS:
Being with you makes me love-drunk
It's like liquor (yeah)
Liquor (yeah)
It's like liquor (yeah)
It's like liquor


I'm sooooooooooo wasted
Take me home
Let's not waste the night
Take photos with our phones


Pour another drink and let's drink to the good times


CHORUS

BRIDGE:
Ooooh, yeah, baby you're like liquor
Oooh yeah, got me so love drunk
Oooh, yeah, baby baby baby
You're like...


CHORUS as many damn times as you want to.

Note: what makes this song really work is the use of many cliches that are commonly used in songs about alcohol. This makes the lyrics a nice, safe, mainstream choice.

I'm actually wearing a strapless top in this, the bottles make me look more nude and therefore classier.

Not Cool, DamnLol

   You know how Facebook pages always post links to pictures on a site called DamnLol? Well, I was procrastinating on writing the next few blog posts I have planned (including a possible Christmas Special) and was browsing the site when I came across this.

http://www.damnlol.com/7-games-that-you-can-play-with-a-brick-12258.html

Completely taken from this Hyperbole and a Half post, with no credit given.

Made me sad.

Bellez's Big List of Weird Shit: Part One

   First of all, I've decided to divide this up into multiple posts otherwise I will never finish it. Seriously.

   Right, this is definitely going to be an ongoing and updated thing as I spend too much time looking up weird shit. This is my comprehensive list of every fucked up thing I can find on the internet. Some of it may be NSFW. Actually, most of it will probably NSFW. Bonus points if you make it through the whole thing. Suggestions welcome.

   The only thing I will thus far refuse to watch is 1 Man 1 Jar. Mostly because I, too, have an anus, and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I only know what it is because I have four brothers, and the one who looks the most like a goat used to describe it to me in excruciating detail.

   Let's begin...

1. Begotten
If anyone can tell me what this movie is about, please let me know. Fortunately the whole thing is right here for you to watch while high until you make sense of it. I haven't got through all of it yet. By the way, in the opening scene there is self disembowelment.

2. My Immortal.
I know, I know, I've mentioned it on here before. However, this "so good its bad" piece of literary genius is so entertaining it's worth a second mention. Basically, its fanfiction that is so bad it puts Twilight to shame. If you want a basic overview of the plot: Hogwarts, clothes clothes clothes, makeup, random spontaneous sex, all the teachers are rapists, everyone is bi, drugs drugs drugs for no reason, preps can die, goffik. Top spelling as well.


3. This video.
As requested by Dom. Hey, it's even got clips from Begotten in it, too!

4. Willy Bum Bum.
David used to sing this to me over the phone when he first started talking to me nearly two years ago. I, in turn, would hang up on him. William and David both forced me to watch this and I must say, it's probably one of the tamer things on this list.

5. Bloody Pingu Throw
Basically a Flash game involving brutally murdering penguins. The further it is thrown across the Antarctic landscape, the more points you obtain. Even Max was horrified by this game, and Max has shown me some horrific things on the internet. I find it strangely addictive.


6. Mr Hands video
I'm not going to post a link because I don't really want to look this up. You can Google it yourself. Basically it involves bestiality (receptive anal intercourse, if you want me to be specific) with a horse. The man died shortly after- for the details, here's a Cracked article. (See #4.)


7. Blue Waffles.
Click on this link here to see a lovely picture of it. Basically it's a very infected vagina. That's gone blue. Lovely. I specifically looked it up for this blog post as I'd never actually seen it before, and I honestly felt a little disappointed. I think I expected it to be far worse than it is.

8. Salad Fingers series
A lovely cartoon series by the utter(ly mad) genius of David Firth. It's quite well-known, but very disturbing. It's an 8 part series (I think a very recently added episode 9 is available on YouTube) which debuted in 2004, about a very lonely creature named Salad Fingers who enjoys the feel of rust and is probably severely mentally unwell.


9. Spoilsbury Toast Boy
More David Firth loveliness. Makes Salad Fingers look tame in comparison. Also, it's backwards running, so to watch it in the order it is designed to be watched, watch this one first, then this one, then this one. The last one gave me nightmares for a week.


10. Smiledog.jpg
   I found this on CreepyPasta (what on earth was I even doing there?) about a photo of a lovely dog who drives people to suicide after having seen it. As with all creepypastas, of course, the only way to save yourself is to forward the picture on to everyone you know. Hence, ya know. It's going on my blog. I didn't find the image itself very scary, though it did remind me a little of the music video of Black Hole Sun, which used to give me nightmares when I was little. Here's a link to what I consider the most disturbing smiledog image.


11. Un Chien Andalou
A surrealist art project from 1928. According to Tyler, who sent me the link: "It was a surrealist art project from the late 20s made to be the most shocking film around. It won." I haven't yet watched the whole thing (it's around fifteen minutes long) but I did watch the infamous scene at the start in which an eyeball is sliced open. Here's the link.

12. You're in that weird part of Reddit again, aren't you?
And by "that weird part" I mean the most known fucked up subreddits, Spacedicks and Beating Women. Sure, there are weirder things on there, but these two are infamous. While we're at it, in r/beatingwomen I discovered r/ChokeABitch. I promise they're just trollin'...

This list is to be continued in part two, with more of a "messed up porn" focus, largely from contributions from Gareth, who is probably the most perverted boy I know. Coming soon!

I would like to thank Tyler West, Carl Domigan and Dominic Ormsby for their contributions to this post. If you have become traumatised after viewing items on this list, feel free to head to http://www.babyanimalz.com/community/ and look at cute baby animals until you feel better. Probably Not Sane takes no responsibility for any mental trauma.

Hope You're Happy

   Man, I've got to stop writing sarcastic, bitchy poetry to get me through the day. At least it's mildly entertaining to read. This poem is dedicated to all the crazy-ass ex-girlfriends in the world. Put the knife down, sweetheart.

Well I'll be honest
I've heard all about you
And he tells me
I'm far more attractive than you

Thing is, you're rubbish in bed
And messed up in the head
And that's why he still will not talk to you

Sad thing is, I used to be like you
So naive, I'd believe
That there was nothing for me to do
The world's a sad place
When the world hates your face
But at least I wear it much better than you do

No hard feelings, I see you've moved on
But I really don't want to get along
Your new boyfriend's a prick
Bet he's got a small dick
And he can't even go at it that long

I promise this isn't even written about anyone specific, I'm too forgetful to be bitter. It just amused me at the time.

Merry Christmas

   Now is probably as good a time as any for a Christmas message from Probably Not Sane.

   Merry Christmas everyone!

You're welcome.

Instagram Quote Rebuttals

   Oh, come on, you know exactly what I'm talking about here.

More sarcastic responses here.

   What with my ability to speak fluent sarcasm and having recently discovered this site for editing photos, I decided to put off my epic blog post about my recent adventures in Auckland (although that's more because somebody managed to lose my camera when he was stupidly drunk and there's no point until I at least have photos) and just get creative instead.

   Unfortunately, due to MS Paint throwing a temper tantrum every time I try to insert text into my pictures, that's all for now folks. Sorry this has been such a non-post. My camera should be here in a few days.