Props Boy and the Day I Learnt I am not Cool

   During the 90's in New Zealand, there was a children's television programme called What Now. Technically, it's still going, but I haven't watched it since 2004-ish so as not to spoil my wonderful nostalgic memories. (Also my cousin was talking to me about it about a month ago and told me it has changed considerably from the format I remember.)

   As a kiddie, I loved that show. It had wacky presenters (Caro, Jase, Shavaughn, Props Boy etc) awesome cartoons (I remember it was where I was first introduced to Courage the Cowardly Dog) and a bizarre serial acted by Barbies called Serial Stuff which I loved for some reason.

I always wanted to know what Props Boy looked like with the hat off. Well now I know. Also while researching this, I learnt he's in a fairly mediocre band. Well, I lie. I always thought "Ways to Run" was an alright song.

   Anyway, only some of this is relevant to the traumatic childhood story I'm about to tell you.

   One segment they had on What Now was reading out the super cool letters that kids had sent into them. It was my absolute life goal as a six year old to write them a letter and have it read it out on the show. It would be almost like being New Zealand famous, to my six year old mind at least. So every Sunday morning while watching the show, I'd get out my half-dried up felt pens and my crummy Rose Art Crayons and try to write them a decent letter.

   I wasn't stupid. Well, not entirely. I knew in order to make my letter stand out, it had to have cool things like glitter and colour and stickers. I didn't have any of those and Rose Art was not going to cut it. I decided all I could do was try to draw the presenters of the show and hope my pathetic portrait would at least gain sympathy points. Well, that and some nice "decorations". I decided, in order to show how super cool I was, I'd draw awesome symbols in the margins like stars, hearts, and this really awesome spiral-looking thing I'd seen scrawled in permanent marker on one of the desks at my primary school. My mum looked over my shoulder to see what I was drawing, and immediately snatched up the letter, demanding to know why I was drawing swastikas all over it.

   Six year old me was wonderfully sheltered, and had no idea what a swastika was, or Nazis, or Hitler, or any of that. I just thought it was a cool square-ish spiral- and to be fair, for thousands of years it was, in many cultures, before Nazis adopted it as theirs. Regardless, my mother was well aware that it was not appropriate for children's television, and sat me down and explained to me in excrutiating detail about what the holocaust was.

   That was the last time I ever tried to write to What Now. I wonder if I could send them a letter now, and maybe win some stickers or a tshirt. I don't think they let adults enter though. What a shame.

Bonus: I found a small part of Serial Stuff and none of it makes sense.

Gay Marriage: We've come so far (except those of us who haven't)

   Recently New Zealand achieved something we should all be proud of. For once, it wasn't even anything to do with our sporting prowess, or Flight of the Concords, or Peter Jackson, or sheep, or whatever it is we're famous for now.

   Recently New Zealand made gay marriage legal. Fuck yeah indeed. It makes us only the 12th country in the world to recognise same sex marriages (along with other forward thinking countries as Sweden, Canada and the Netherlands) and the only bad thing about it is that it's not legal in most other countries. Oh, and the people here opposed to it.

Warning: rant time.

   Yes, while the rest of the country was celebrating the awesome progress we've made in giving gays the same rights as every other kiwi, there were a small minority horrified that the country, in their opinion, is going to hell in a handcart, starting with the destruction of marriage, families, and moral standards.

"GOOD HEAVENS, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?"

   One of the opponents was Colin Craig, of New Zealand's Conservative Party. While it is one thing for him to have his own (bigoted, intolerant) opinions on gay marriage, it baffled me how he was able to say with a straight face that this is a "failure of democracy" and not something most New Zealanders wish to allow. A Facebook friend of mine suggested his ability to keep a straight face while saying all this was probably due to the "massive black dildo" he had shoved up his backside at the time. I'll let you make your own decision on that one.

   On top of that, there's now Protect Marriage NZ urging kiwis to pledge not to vote for politicians who voted in favour of gay marriage. Is this democracy in action? Absolutely. Is it still ignorant? Heck yeah. Do heterosexual marriages in New Zealand really need "protecting"? From what, exactly? How will gay marriage threaten the sanctity of heterosexual marriage? One time, about a year ago, I was in a bar with some friends when a man thirty years (ish) my senior came up to me and asked if I wanted to be his fourth wife. I'm telling you, there's nothing sacred or special about that.

   Are you opposed to gay marriage because of your religious beliefs? I don't mean to frighten you, but people of any religion can get married. Even atheists. Marriage does not belong exclusively to Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Wiccans or Pastafarians. If you want a religious marriage following your spiritual beliefs, go right ahead. The fact that two people of the same sex can have a marriage based on their values does not affect you at all.

   Are you opposed to gay marriage because gays squick you out because whenever you think about gay relationships, all you can picture is ew, bumsex? You should probably stop picturing it. Unless you want to picture it. I'm not one to judge. (On a side note, you do realise that straight couples can engage in anal intercourse too, right? Are you going to picture that every time you think about heterosexual relationships?)

Anyway. I'm sorry, that was a massive rant. I'm done now, almost. I just want to leave you with this final point. I don't know if I will ever get married in the future. And most likely not to the drunk guy who offered to let me be his fourth wife. But I certainly won't try to stop anyone else in this country from their right to get married. Love is love, whether you're gay, straight, bisexual.... and everyone should have equal rights to love.

   Even  Colin Craig, who is in love with his possibly delusional view of New Zealanders' views.

Adventures of a Single Girl

   Yeah so, in the last post I wrote about how excited I was for Valentines Day and then there were lots of pretty pictures of Scott and I and the cupcakes he made me and... well it's been a couple of months since and we just broke up. Even cupcakes can't save your relationship is the lesson to take away from that folks. But seriously. It was a mutual decision and it ended amicably. By amicably, I mean actually amicably, the sort of break up where you txt each other every few days to see how the other is coping and still have nice conversations where you gossip about the Dunedin music scene, as opposed to "amicably" which is when you tell all your friends that you aren't cut up about it in the slightest yet you still marinate yourself in rum and cheap wine and Facebook stalk him while sobbing to yourself and sending him angry messages about how he was so selfish to leave you.

   No. This genuinely ended amicably. And he doesn't see a huge future for himself in the Dunedin music scene, just so you know. Which is fair enough, the music industry here is a bit of a joke if you actually want to be successful.

   Anyway, I decided it was time to get back into blogging now I have something to write about and document my experiences of being single. Why? Well first of all, I intend to stay single for a while. I started dating Scott not long after getting out of another relationship, so it's been a while since I've done this. (I don't know what I'm doing.) Also because, let's be honest, what else am I doing with my life right now?

Certainly not this. At all. Especially not at three in the morning.

   Anyway, expect updates on this.

Valentine's Day Special 2013

   For the third year in a row (has Probably Not Sane really been around that long?) I bring you top-quality writing on what is actually one of my favourite holidays.

I get that it's not everyone's favourite holiday. Even now, half my facebook newfeed is ranting about how Valentine's Day is stupid and should totally not happen and how it's all about commercialism and that they will be spending the day with a bottle of vodka instead. Well guess what. I've been in a relationship for the past two Valentine's Days and I'm in a relationship this year too. And it's great. So I get to be all smug about things. Even better, this year I actually get to spend the day with my boyfriend, so I get to be doubly smug. Cheers Intercity for your lovely affordable bus fares.

With the amount of times I've travelled between Queenstown and Dunedin over the past couple of years, I'm probably their most loyal customer.

   Current boyfriend and I were discussing what we would like to do for Valentine's day this year but most of our ideas were pretty impractical. We originally thought camping would be cute, but then wondered where we would go/how we would get there (neither of us drives) and that what if the lovely unpredictable south island weather goes bad? (It probably will.) As we ran out of feasible ideas, we decided it totally wasn't unromantic to google for suggestions.

   It didn't work out to be the best idea.

   What I learnt from this is that there is a ton of rubbish advice out there on Valentine's day ideas. Or maybe just advice that didn't suit our relationship of being two cynical, poor, strange people, who both happen to live with their families at the moment. (So we can forget suggestions to have sex in every room in the house, because somehow I don't see either of our families appreciating that.)

   It's time to do what Bellez does best. Make fun of these ideas.

   So the first article we can pull apart is this lovely one from Esquire, mainly because it was the first result for “cheap valentine's date ideas” and also because there are some ridiculous suggestions. For example,this suggestion involves playing video games with your (pregnant)date. I'm sure Cosmo has an extension on the idea: every time someone loses, they remove an article of clothing.

Why this is a bad idea for us:

Scott's much, much better at video games than me, so it would just end with me naked, watching him play. Also I did mention he lives with his family.

   The next suggestion involves what to do with your mistress. Esquire suggests a lunch date, because you should save a dinner date for someone you truly love, despite the fact that earlier in the day, you were donging someone else. Charming.

Why this is a bad idea for us:

Because, unless you're in some form of open relationship, this is probably a bad idea for all couples. I don't know if I would really want to take relationship advice from somewhere that tries to help me sneakily sleep with two people on Valentine's day. Or any day.

   At this point, I decided it was time to research ideas in other places. Because I was being a bit lazy about it I decided to see what good ol' Cosmo had to say about that- no longer for legitimate ideas, but purely for entertainment purposes. Unfortunately, all they had was "30 Things to Do With A Naked Man" (spoiler alert:  "have sex with him" "have sex with him" and "have sex with him" probably featured on the list somewhere.)

   Surely there was more sincere advice somewhere, but if it was, I was struggling to find it. I was not keen on cutting out a hundred paper hearts and writing something I love about him on each one and scattering them about the place for him to find.

By the time I get to heart #58, I'm sure this is what it will say.

   Besides, who wants to clean up a hundred paper hearts, or be the unfortunate person to find heart #27? ("I like our sex life.") 

   "Relive your first date." I'm not sure if this counted as our first date, but I was less than keen to relive drinking goon in the gardens and watching him vomit.

   Anyway, my bus to Dunedin is booked, and out of ideas or not, I'm still going to see my boyfriend. If this post was going to have a cheesy moral, it would be that of all the things you can do with someone you love this Valentine's Day, the best thing you can do is to simply spend time with them.

   And maybe have sex with them. Cheers Cosmo!

Update: He made me cupcakes, (his mum helped, but ssh) and I made him eclaires and his sister cooked a romantic dinner for us. Also I got all pretty for our date so you know there's going to be photos...

Updates again!

   Been a while, huh? Don't I know it. I've been busy etc etc. With, you know. Not really having a life. Traipsing to Dunedin and Auckland and back and trying to find a job and (still with little success, what with me having the time to write this and all) and trying to see if I could actually make money from my art so I don't need a real job (also not going so well either) and wasting time on Reddit and all that.

I could be making dinner for myself right now but with the available food I have sitting here, it's going to be cheese on toast again and I don't even like toast, so perhaps a little catch up on here might be more productive.

   So what have I been up to other than discovering a possible vitamin deficiency caused by too much cheese and not enough else?

I've got a job. Kind of. Well, I've taken on a role as editor at the soon-to-be-relaunched Leaky Biro magazine. We've had a bit of a revamp, and although Thomas Stevenson (Dekarnuva) is still with us, we're joined by two new writers, Seth Tetley-Jones and Gareth McMullen, who you may remember contributed this lovely piece to my blog, about disturbing pornography. We're hoping to have our first new issue ready around March sometime, which means blogging on here will, as usual, probably take a back seat.

But you should definitely read The Biro (available digitally, or a print copy if you prefer) if for no other reason than at the very least, I can promise you it will look pretty. (I'm doing the cover at the moment. It looks wonderful.) The writing should be pretty top-notch too.

   Now I've got that shameless plug out of the way, let's talk about some things that will be on this blog.

• Remember the Valentine's day specials from 2011 and 2012, where I felt so excited I actually provided you with a second Valentine's day post? Well, I'm sure I can whip up another something for 2013, because y'all know you can get your romance advice from me. Will it be on Valentine's day? Heavens, no. I'm going to be in Dunedin having way more fun.

• Seeing as my drawing skills are improving, expect to see a lot more of my art (and not just the MS Paint stuff) on here.

• One day I will record my dramatic reading of My Immortal. Probably not ever though.

   Also, for those of you who remember my craving for Mr Whippy Icecream, not only is he back in Fernhill but he was also at the Fernhill Family Fun Day where I got an icecream purely for nostalgia purposes. And yes, with all the toppings. It was satisfying to do so, at last, for all of about a minute. Then I just started to feel sick from too much sugar. But it was still worth it.

Things My Mother has Said Today Which Make me Wonder if She is Ok

   I love my mother dearly. She is intelligent and witty and really nice (if she likes you.) But sometimes she has days where she says the strangest things. Today, for example.


1. "No, there is East Germany and West Germany, they are two separate countries.

Germany has been a single country for over twenty years.

2. "So what is the difference between LSD and meth, anyway?

on a similar note:

"I don't think I've ever met anyone who has tried cannabis."

You lived in Queenstown during the seventies. You probably have.

3. "So America has Republicans and Democrats, and one is right wing and one is left wing, right?"

Yes! She gets it!

"And Obama is right wing, so he must be a Democrat."

So close.

4. "The hippies never had much of a drug culture. They were too busy having free love to have time to try drugs."

This is the closest to an accurate statement she has made today. That and "I saved you some pizza because I thought you would be hungry."

5. "I don't think there's ever any reason for anyone to get divorced. Oh god, you're father's put the dishes away wrongly again, I swear one of these days I'll get a divorce..."

Abuse, cheating... and putting away the dishes incorrectly. I'll keep it mind for future relationships.

6. "Are you addicted to P?" (Ice, crystal meth, whatever you prefer to call it.)

The strongest stimulant I have ever tried is caffeine. So no, not a raging P addict. Sorry mum.

7. "What are you addicted to?"

Ok mum, I'm sorry. I should have told you this before. I'm totally addicted to cheese. And maybe Reddit.


   Hopefully she will be better after a nap.

(For all those concerned, I'm not sure where this addiction obsession has originated. Maybe she heard something about addictive personalities on the radio. Maybe she read an article in the Listener. Who knows. She went through this phase a few years ago where she was convinced I had coeliacs disease, and that was less than pleasant.)

A Quick Adoption Update

   So I've recently had the best week in Dunedin.

Even though I was ill most of the time.

   Anyway, seeing as whenever I get serious on this blog, I'm talking about adoption, I thought I'd update you on some cool things that have happened as far as having more contact with my birthfamily goes.

   I've made progress.

   My birthmother and I are now on talking terms- I went to see my little brother and her and I just started hanging out and talking. It was fantastic. It makes me really grateful for the fact that I'm able to have contact with my birthfamily because even if it took time, things are starting to get better. I think that's definitely the lesson to take away from what I've learnt with having contact with my birthfamily, especially now most of them are taking more of an interest in my life. It hasn't always been this way, but persistence has helped. Don't give up, yo. Anything's possible.

   Also ended up hanging out with my birthfather and my little brother Kaleb on the same day that I saw my mother. I'd felt a little guilty for not having spent as much time with Kaleb as I had with my other brothers but we made up for lost time and did some finger painting together and he got me to help him paint his face.

Not quite sure what the look he was going for here was.

   And finally, one evening while hanging out in the gardens with Scott and waiting for a friend, we met some people who knew William. This isn't surprising because its Dunedin and as it turns out everyone knows my brother, but these people knew him enthusiastically. One of them used to be his flatmate, who I remember meeting briefly. He gave me skittles to cheer me up because I'd been dumped that morning. His friend was far far more excited about meeting Will's sister though because she thought he was amazing and by extension, I am amazing too and we were super best friends.

Super duper best friends

   Though he's not a role model in many regards, I can't ever hope to be as sociable or respected as William, it was pretty cool hearing people go on (and on) about how he is amazing and has done so much for them. Also I like skittles.

   Anyway, gaining more of a family has been fantastic and I'm in a pretty good mood as a result.

   Y'all should give your mums a hug from Bellez.